The Hearts We Hold

Of course my brain has always known that God loves me; "the Bible tells me so", right?
The brain and the heart - sometimes, always, never seeming to line up. But motherhood -
I feel like motherhood has given me a deeper glimpse at the kind of love God has for me...

for us.

I can slowly feel the truth trickle down and permeate my heart. The beautiful words, often times
seeming so Christianly cliché, "God loves you", suddenly mean something more as I have someone,
these small children that have been gifted to me, to heighten the reality of the LOVE that we all
so desperately crave, that is being so generously given.

How often do I look at my own children, evaluating their talents, needs, fears, personalities?
I see exuberant joy in one, mind-blowing kindness in another... sensitivity, curiosity, a leader,
an adventurer, caution, questions, tenderness. Each morning bringing new, exciting, and sometimes
exhausting gifts or challenges as they grow. But I see. I make note.

How can I highlight, expose, strengthen what naturally comes to them? I find myself planning a
spontaneous picnic in the park for my lover of surprises or picking up a bag of chocolates for
the one with the blueberry eyes - wide and hungry for all the sweetness life has to offer.

And if I, as a mother, as a flawed and broken human being, try so hard to see, find, gift my children
with good things (sometimes failing, sometimes winning) - how MUCH GREATER is the work
of God? Welling up out of LOVE - because it's that fierce, "I'll give my life for you",
kind of love we feel as mothers, no? That our God feels for us?

A few weeks ago, I watched my youngest excitedly ride a horse for the first time. No fear.
His wild, little heart felt right at home on top of such power. I could see the fire-delight
in the eyes of my son; reigning, taming that animal strength with natural ease and joy.

I was anxious and perplexed. Not about my baby being on a horse that could crush his
entire body in one, swift motion, but because my oldest was cautiously watching.

The skeptic one - the child that I want to push towards growth, towards adventure, towards
tasting all the experiences that life has to offer... but stop because his heart, this heart I
am blessed to hold, is so often not ready. Marching to the beat of his own drum. I must remember.

My desire for him, my love for him, for this heart that I hold,
wanted to see him ride the horse. But I waited. No pushing. Just offering.

"I'm here, buddy."

And then he held up his arms - an invitation to lift him up onto "Blondie."


A huge smile trumped the tears that quickly gathered in my eyes.
Oh how I want good things, out of radical love, for my children!
Oh how HE wants good things for me... for us.

And I feel in that moment an ocean's worth of love, blowing across the fields, straight
from heaven, whispering, "Do you know?" You love your child, your children, with every
fiber of your being, every beat of your heart, but do you know how much stronger,
deeper, real MY love is for YOU?

I am beginning to understand. Motherhood is teaching me well.