Blogging and Cold Turkey

It's been two+ weeks since I last blogged.

The crickets around here might not be bothering anyone else, but they are kind of
bugging me. Pun intended. I'll be here with mom jokes all day, people. Ha.

Life is happening so quickly right now; the drama splintering off in half a dozen
different directions at a time. As soon as I feel like I've got it all reeled in and
under control, my line slips and something is getting away from me... again.

I just can't do it all. And that is hard as stale gumballs to admit. I mean, I CAN do it all.
I know I can. I've done it before. But I guess I'm choosing NOT to in this season of life. I'm choosing PAUSE and chucking FAST-FORWARD. Because I'm good at running and doing and delivering all
the things, for all the people, all the time, but sometimes, something has got to give.

Thus, I give you cold turkey.



Without going into terrible detail, I admit, you've caught me, I AM EXHAUSTED.
Like, "Whoa, I have 3 children under the age of 5" exhausted. You know it's bad when...

6:27A.M. I rolled over in bed to find my 3 year old standing next to me staring at my face.
Never ceases to freak me out. And do you want to know what he asks?

Judah: "Mom, do you want me to turn on Netflix so you can keep sleeping?"

P.S. That is a BALLOON taped to his face as a mustache.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Reasons why I can't blog right now. Ha.

Someday they are going to bring me breakfast in bed too! Ha! Just kidding. Maybe cold turkey?
It just flows out of me! My kids are going to luuu-uv me when they grow up.

Really though, I was hoping to tie in the cold turkey thing to walking away from my blog
here to give me some time to gather myself. Hopefully my blog's crisis won't last long.
But you never know with these things. I want to come back with new, bright, and shiny
things to share with you all!!! Because my heart is here. I think God is here.

I've seen Him work through The Lily Field in crazy ways. For that: *praise hands*.
No kidding. He is good. All the time. So I'm going to retreat for a little while with Him
and let Him do His thing with me. Always have Your way with me, and this field, Lord.

7:44PM. Checking out at Whole Foods.

Cashier: "Two kids, huh?!"
Me: "Believe it or not, there's a third in this stroller."
Cashier: "Got any big plans for after this?"
Me: ** laughing out loud ** "Yes. After we have a meltdown in the parking lot,
we are going home to have another meltdown, and then go to bed."
Cashier: "Gotcha!"

And Bella is all like, "WHO?! WHAT?! BRB, peeps."



I'm sure you all can relate, right?
Until we meet again.

XO

I Have to Earn My Husband's Love

Marriage is funny. It's like you think you know someone well enough to go and marry
them, vowing to spend the rest of your God-given life by their side, and then you wake up,
oh every other morning, like, "WHO ARE YOU?!"



Don't get me wrong. It's pretty fantastic. The quirkier the better, right?
Change, habits, old jokes that are getting reeeeally old, and the whole new level
of "I just farted under the covers and I don't care" comfort -- are gold.

Marriage is basically an Ivy League level education in EVERY department.
For example: after my husband successfully switched my old phone to a new one...

Nathan: "Did you get my texts?"
Me: "Yes."
Nathan: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Yea, you said, 'That will be $75. In kisses!'"
Nathan: "The next time you send me a flirtatious text I am go to read it back
to you like an Encyclopedia article."
Me:

They don't teach THAT in Marriage and Family where I went to school.
You got to learn those ropes in the trenches, people.

Mental note: respond better to flirtatious texts in the future.

This morning I woke up and found a very damp hand towel hanging by the shower in
our master bathroom. I felt bad as I chuckled at the thought of my husband drying
himself off with such meager material. And then I thought, "he didn't say a word."

We have TEN regular bath towels, all of which were dirty (which is saying a lot since we reuse towels) and he didn't mention it. Like he doesn't care that I'm not a laundry goddess or something. He also kissed my sleeping face goodbye around 7:30AM and didn't mention THAT either.
The whole I was sleeping, and he was going to work deal.

But in my defense, I didn't get to go to bed early like he did. It's like we have a 4 month
old and episodes of Fixer Upper to watch or something. Just sayin'. Ha.

I recently asked my husband to tell me all the ways that he felt loved by me.
I definitely was naïve in thinking that "all the ways" would be the same for "all the years".
Rookie wives. I tell ya.

After we both took some notes, Ivy League level notes, Nathan looked at me and asked if
I knew that I didn't have to earn his love. That things like clean bath towels, dinner,
and an orderly home are nice, but not needed for him to love me.

I shot him the squinty eye and was like, "Um we should experiment with that. Pretty sure
you'd be fed up after a couple weeks of eating cereal for dinner and dousing yourself in
cologne to mask the dirty laundry fact." WIFE FOR SALE.

DON'T HAVE TO EARN HIS LOVE
Call me wounded I guess. My brain doesn't register that well, and it makes my heart hurt.
Work hard, get rewarded. Family of origin? Country of birth? Oldest child syndrome?
You just DO things and people are happy, right? Get it out of my head.

The other day my counselor asked me what I would say if my child came up to me and said,
"Mommy, I'm going to do everything I can to make you love me." WHOA.

"Stop," I sighed. I would say, "Stop. There's not ANYTHING you can do to add or take
away one ounce of my love for you." It's complete. Whole. Unconditional.

And yes, I think that God maybe loves me like that; that my husband loves me like that.
It's mind blowing. A holy and humbling experience. Jesus' love is one thing, but to be
vulnerable to a human? To trust that I am enough and all the other things are nice,
but not needed? WHOA. Jesus, are you sure? Nathan, are you sure?

Whoever the Jesus, mother, father, child, husband, etc. figure is in your life...
are you sure?

COME AS YOU ARE.
Just rest in that.

"Come to Me, all you who are weary
and burdened, and I will give you rest."
- Matthew 11:28
Now I'm not saying things are perfect or anything, but it's nice to peel back another
layer, go one level deeper, take two steps forward and trust and feel and love in that
space of new vulnerability. All bath towels aside. It's warm and fuzzy until...

My husband walks in the door from work, still chatting away on that irritating little
earpiece I went and *rolls eyes* bought him for Christmas... "Who was that, hun?"

We'll call his pal, John.

Nathan: "Yea John set a wedding date with his fiancé. August 14th of this year!"
Me: "That's CRAZY!" I said, eyes lighting up with serendipity.
Nathan:
Me: "Do you know what August 14th is?"
Nathan:
Me: "Wow. Only took 5 years to forget our anniversary."
Nathan: "Well, what is August 9th then?"
Me:

Well, that must have been the day you married the other girl. I don't know! Are you
kidding me? I see a lot of drying off with hand towels in your near future, buddy.
Jk. Jk.

COME AS YOU ARE, oh forgetful one.
I love you.