A Redemption Story

I have stared at a blank, white computer screen for the past hour or so
with a story filled heart and not enough right or holy words to do this justice.

I feel vulnerable.

It's going to sound dramatic, but for as long as I can remember I have struggled with feeling
like a burden. A demon must have whispered deeply into my ear because I somehow drank it all in;
that devil's milk. I've spent most of my life trying to be better, the best - holding my own -
please don't even notice I am here.

Don't be a burden.

I was twenty-five years old. We had gone to my grandparent's house for a weekend stay, and the
entire time I was scheming up ways to make our presence barely noticeable. I'll never forget.
We were standing in her dining room when my grandma grabbed my shoulders and
looked deep, soul healing level, into my eyes,

"You are not a burden. I want to take care of you."

Words are powerful.

Chains fell that day.


Like most people, I'd say my life is pretty evenly full of all the good things and all the
disappointments. I was and am loved deeply by family. I've celebrated and traveled. Accomplished
dreams. Done hard things. I've felt the blows and seen the damage as loved ones battle sickness,
addiction, betrayal. I've had my heart broken. I've lost friends. I've had my childhood home and
life slip between my fingers. All out of my control. All ultimately in HIS.

I thought I was fine, just fine, going through all the motions of college, ministry, marriage -
even a couple babies - before I began collapsing, shutting down -- diagnosed autoimmune --
flesh attacking flesh. Almost as if I wanted it to happen? To feel something, to control something,
to make myself the victim so that no one, nothing could hurt me again.

That's hard to admit. It's hard to say that I withheld forgiveness and mercy.
That I decided to "be my own god" and run from true healing.
Like a child holding tightly to a skinned knee, I refused the Band-Aid.

And all along God was patiently waiting for me, writing a story of redemption for me.
I couldn't see the significance of each encounter at the time. But He was placing people in my path --
a patient husband, Franciscan sister, a healer, a counselor, new friends, a chiropractor, doctors....

But I clung to the bitterness.

Withholding grace somehow made me feel powerful.
When in reality, it was literally weakening my very flesh.

One night on Twitter, I saw a comment from another blogger and recognized that she was living in
the EXACT SAME TOWN that my parents had recently moved to when everything fell apart.
The town I just didn't ever want to visit or pardon.

But the next time I went to Iowa, I decided to meet up with this girl and make a new friend
in spite of circumstances. (thankfully she really was a friendly Twitter girl! ha!)


I left that afternoon in the park with Nicole Neesby having NO IDEA
that such CHANGE was going to come into my life through that town I hated,
through the chance meeting of a girl I saw on social media.

We were both pregnant with our babies at the time, but the birth of mine would leave me in the darkest
place I've ever been in my entire life. Postpartum depression is real.

This girl reached out and asked me if I would try essential oils...
And I told her "NO!" And "NO!" again... "I can't. I have so many allergies and
sensitivities! I don't need one more thing!"

She sent me an article on allergies, autoimmune disorders, cell damage --- and the need to
repair our bodies from emotional trauma at the leukocyte level. I cried all over that email.
THIS IS MY STORY.

I took that article to my counselor and told him, "I am cutting myself.
I am slashing at my heart, my mind, body -- every day -- because I refuse to let it all go."

I'll never forget the look on his face. He smiled and nodded, "This is big."

I was being ushered into a place I never thought I would find again.
Suddenly all the people, all the moments and conversations were colliding -- everything rising,
everything converging, and I'm just in tears, "Why does God love me so much?"


I wept. I prayed. I chose forgiveness and GRACE.
Nicole then mailed me a roller bottle of JOY essential oil with a note to use over my heart,
and EndoFlex to support my hormonal system as it readjusted in this new chapter of my life!!!

It changed me.

My dear immune specialist sat me down one afternoon and told me,
"Brittany! You've received SO MUCH GOOD!
You must find a way to give back."

I say it often, but I don't think people really understand how sincerely I believe God was and is
fiercely coming after me, after you. And how He uses so many people and avenues, even a Twitter girl
and a company called Young Living to wreck my life in order to make it new again.

"You are NOT a burden. I WANT to take care of you."

Over and over again. The message has always been clear. He thought of me in His creation and knew the
people I would meet and the work of His fields I would one day be gifted. He gave me the doctors and the
therapist and the friends and blogging community...

And so I GIVE BACK through Young Living; in the gift of supporting, leading and cheering on
a community of people, families -- who want to experience radical, awesome change on all the levels!!!
I can't even begin to tell you about the deep gladness it brings to my heart.

He is in the details. He is in the disappointments and tragedies, the sickness and broken heart.
He is in the change - the JOY - the celebrations. Heck, He is even in Twitter!

And it's all just some big excuse to prepare my heart for the day I meet Him face to face --
to put me through that refiner's fire as He begs me to hand Him those vices I cling to, to let Him
have that skinned knee


so that He can save me...

so that He can save you...



Amen.





If you are looking for more information on Young Living, please e-mail me

oilwellsociety@gmail.com || @oilwellsociety

If you are looking to enroll into an awesome community CLICK HERE.
I'll be there to meet you!!! XO.

Blogging and Cold Turkey

It's been two+ weeks since I last blogged.

The crickets around here might not be bothering anyone else, but they are kind of
bugging me. Pun intended. I'll be here with mom jokes all day, people. Ha.

Life is happening so quickly right now; the drama splintering off in half a dozen
different directions at a time. As soon as I feel like I've got it all reeled in and
under control, my line slips and something is getting away from me... again.

I just can't do it all. And that is hard as stale gumballs to admit. I mean, I CAN do it all.
I know I can. I've done it before. But I guess I'm choosing NOT to in this season of life. I'm choosing PAUSE and chucking FAST-FORWARD. Because I'm good at running and doing and delivering all
the things, for all the people, all the time, but sometimes, something has got to give.

Thus, I give you cold turkey.



Without going into terrible detail, I admit, you've caught me, I AM EXHAUSTED.
Like, "Whoa, I have 3 children under the age of 5" exhausted. You know it's bad when...

6:27A.M. I rolled over in bed to find my 3 year old standing next to me staring at my face.
Never ceases to freak me out. And do you want to know what he asks?

Judah: "Mom, do you want me to turn on Netflix so you can keep sleeping?"

P.S. That is a BALLOON taped to his face as a mustache.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Reasons why I can't blog right now. Ha.

Someday they are going to bring me breakfast in bed too! Ha! Just kidding. Maybe cold turkey?
It just flows out of me! My kids are going to luuu-uv me when they grow up.

Really though, I was hoping to tie in the cold turkey thing to walking away from my blog
here to give me some time to gather myself. Hopefully my blog's crisis won't last long.
But you never know with these things. I want to come back with new, bright, and shiny
things to share with you all!!! Because my heart is here. I think God is here.

I've seen Him work through The Lily Field in crazy ways. For that: *praise hands*.
No kidding. He is good. All the time. So I'm going to retreat for a little while with Him
and let Him do His thing with me. Always have Your way with me, and this field, Lord.

7:44PM. Checking out at Whole Foods.

Cashier: "Two kids, huh?!"
Me: "Believe it or not, there's a third in this stroller."
Cashier: "Got any big plans for after this?"
Me: ** laughing out loud ** "Yes. After we have a meltdown in the parking lot,
we are going home to have another meltdown, and then go to bed."
Cashier: "Gotcha!"

And Bella is all like, "WHO?! WHAT?! BRB, peeps."



I'm sure you all can relate, right?
Until we meet again.

XO

I Have to Earn My Husband's Love

Marriage is funny. It's like you think you know someone well enough to go and marry
them, vowing to spend the rest of your God-given life by their side, and then you wake up,
oh every other morning, like, "WHO ARE YOU?!"



Don't get me wrong. It's pretty fantastic. The quirkier the better, right?
Change, habits, old jokes that are getting reeeeally old, and the whole new level
of "I just farted under the covers and I don't care" comfort -- are gold.

Marriage is basically an Ivy League level education in EVERY department.
For example: after my husband successfully switched my old phone to a new one...

Nathan: "Did you get my texts?"
Me: "Yes."
Nathan: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Yea, you said, 'That will be $75. In kisses!'"
Nathan: "The next time you send me a flirtatious text I am go to read it back
to you like an Encyclopedia article."
Me:

They don't teach THAT in Marriage and Family where I went to school.
You got to learn those ropes in the trenches, people.

Mental note: respond better to flirtatious texts in the future.

This morning I woke up and found a very damp hand towel hanging by the shower in
our master bathroom. I felt bad as I chuckled at the thought of my husband drying
himself off with such meager material. And then I thought, "he didn't say a word."

We have TEN regular bath towels, all of which were dirty (which is saying a lot since we reuse towels) and he didn't mention it. Like he doesn't care that I'm not a laundry goddess or something. He also kissed my sleeping face goodbye around 7:30AM and didn't mention THAT either.
The whole I was sleeping, and he was going to work deal.

But in my defense, I didn't get to go to bed early like he did. It's like we have a 4 month
old and episodes of Fixer Upper to watch or something. Just sayin'. Ha.

I recently asked my husband to tell me all the ways that he felt loved by me.
I definitely was naïve in thinking that "all the ways" would be the same for "all the years".
Rookie wives. I tell ya.

After we both took some notes, Ivy League level notes, Nathan looked at me and asked if
I knew that I didn't have to earn his love. That things like clean bath towels, dinner,
and an orderly home are nice, but not needed for him to love me.

I shot him the squinty eye and was like, "Um we should experiment with that. Pretty sure
you'd be fed up after a couple weeks of eating cereal for dinner and dousing yourself in
cologne to mask the dirty laundry fact." WIFE FOR SALE.

DON'T HAVE TO EARN HIS LOVE
Call me wounded I guess. My brain doesn't register that well, and it makes my heart hurt.
Work hard, get rewarded. Family of origin? Country of birth? Oldest child syndrome?
You just DO things and people are happy, right? Get it out of my head.

The other day my counselor asked me what I would say if my child came up to me and said,
"Mommy, I'm going to do everything I can to make you love me." WHOA.

"Stop," I sighed. I would say, "Stop. There's not ANYTHING you can do to add or take
away one ounce of my love for you." It's complete. Whole. Unconditional.

And yes, I think that God maybe loves me like that; that my husband loves me like that.
It's mind blowing. A holy and humbling experience. Jesus' love is one thing, but to be
vulnerable to a human? To trust that I am enough and all the other things are nice,
but not needed? WHOA. Jesus, are you sure? Nathan, are you sure?

Whoever the Jesus, mother, father, child, husband, etc. figure is in your life...
are you sure?

COME AS YOU ARE.
Just rest in that.

"Come to Me, all you who are weary
and burdened, and I will give you rest."
- Matthew 11:28
Now I'm not saying things are perfect or anything, but it's nice to peel back another
layer, go one level deeper, take two steps forward and trust and feel and love in that
space of new vulnerability. All bath towels aside. It's warm and fuzzy until...

My husband walks in the door from work, still chatting away on that irritating little
earpiece I went and *rolls eyes* bought him for Christmas... "Who was that, hun?"

We'll call his pal, John.

Nathan: "Yea John set a wedding date with his fiancé. August 14th of this year!"
Me: "That's CRAZY!" I said, eyes lighting up with serendipity.
Nathan:
Me: "Do you know what August 14th is?"
Nathan:
Me: "Wow. Only took 5 years to forget our anniversary."
Nathan: "Well, what is August 9th then?"
Me:

Well, that must have been the day you married the other girl. I don't know! Are you
kidding me? I see a lot of drying off with hand towels in your near future, buddy.
Jk. Jk.

COME AS YOU ARE, oh forgetful one.
I love you.

Confessions + Gluten-Free Apple Crisp

Dear Diary, I am still pregnant. 40 weeks and 2 days. If pregnancy isn't long enough
already?! I know I shouldn't complain. Even today's reading from "Jesus Calling" was eerily
relevant to my life. I felt like God was reaching down from heaven and giving me a little spanking.

That's what's up.

"You have been on a long (true that), uphill (YES!) journey, and your energy is almost spent (almost?!).
Though you have faltered at times (who me?), you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your
desire to stay close to Me (well, good). There is one thing (great), however, that displeases Me:

your tendency to complain." - Jesus Calling 10/9/2014

I literally laughed out loud. The Big Man upstairs is funny and brutally honest!

Anyway. Some of my friends, earlier this week, were all like, "You are so calm and composed!"
And then my spiritual director texted me and said, "You seem so happy on FACEBOOK!"

Whoa. Red light. I swear I am not trying to live a façade, but apparently it is happening?
Of course I'm all smiley and happy - I'm a choleric/sanguine, extrovert that thrives on being with
people and keeping up my life as a party. But you guys, when this overdue momma goes home or is left
alone for any substantial amount of time -- it gets ugly. I am an emotional train wreck that cries
out to Jesus, but then backs off because there are "bigger problems" in the world than being pregnant
forever. Like ebola?! The Middle East?! I'm snapping left and right, teaching my kids cuss words
they should never be exposed to until... never.

I've had a couple other mommas/women mention that I should just be so grateful that I even get
to "carry life" - and I am! But seriously, I AM HUMAN. And humans get tired. Even life
with my toddlers - love them to death - but sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom and just stay
there until I feel better about the day, situation, etc. Again, human. Broken. Selfish. Vain. Whiney.

Fill in the blank. And that's just being honest.

I serioulsy just intended to deliver these pictures from our apple picking adventure a couple
weekends ago + a recipe for gluten-free apple crisp, and look what you got?! I'm sorry, y'all.

Oh and that's the other thing. I can barely swallow veggies right now, but sugar and carbs?
All day, baby. All day. Thus - you get awesome recipes like this one and I gain 50 aaaand counting
pounds!!! You're welcome for being pregnant. But yea - I really love my baby and my kids and my
husband. Just in case anything got lost in translation. I'm good now.





COMMERCIAL BREAK: I had to share this "real life" moment. It was all "cute and fun" until
both brothers decided that they HAD TO HAVE the one and only apple picker. Whose kids are those?!






|| GLUTEN-FREE APPLE CRISP||
PREHEAT oven to 375 degrees //

5-6 cups sliced, peeled apples || toss in 2-4 tbls of sugar (or pure maple syrup)
and place in 2 quart baking dish. Set aside.

MIX TOGETHER in separate bowl //
1 C. rolled oats (I used Chex brand instant gluten-free oatmeal)
1/2 C. packed brown sugar (or pure maple syrup)
1/4 C. Bob's Red Mill all-purpose gluten-free flour
1/4 tsp. nutmeg, ginger, cinnamon

A splash of fresh lemon juice and vanilla is great too!

CUT IN //
1/4 C. grassfed butter (or coconut oil)

Sprinkle oat mixture over sliced apples.
Bake for 30-35 minutes or until fruit is tender and the topping is toasty golden.
Serve with massive amounts of ice-cream and a big cup of coffee!!!

Aaaaaaand bring some over to me. Ok, thanks.

Come As You Are

This past month has left me raw. A series of unfortunate events played out in my life
and I felt myself come undone. With emotions raging for all the world to see, through
the heart I wear on my sleeve, I ran. I ran to the only source that I know has all the answers
and offers the greatest consolation: my faith.

There is beauty to be found in suffering.
I've realized through my little woes, once again, that I am little. Small.
Needing a God who is bigger than any mess to come down and cover me.
It's hard, but beautiful. A tragic oxymoron if there ever was one.
But tis the story of all of us here in our human condition.

I walked into a support group for family members of alcoholics last week.
It wasn't my first time and it will not be my last. I told my husband that I felt
more received and accepted THERE than any other place I have ever been in my life.

COME. AS. YOU. ARE. No expectations. Say it how it is. Be loved no matter what.
Smiles, cheers, pats on the back, hugs, and prayers - I treasure this ENCOURAGEMENT.

I long for the day that this simple, loving exchange between humans is found everywhere -
in our families, homes, churches, communities... the world. Heaven is gonna be great!

Our words and actions are a driving force; holding the power to build-up or tear-down.
Are we sources of positive grace to those in our lives? I so hope to be. I pray that you
find encouragement here today and in turn go out and give that gift to another soul.



Linking up with Ashley of Written on Her Heart and Nadine of A Secondary Heartbeat
to bring you this "encouraging" edition of The Girl Behind the Blog!!!

If you aren't following them already - you should! They are a real treat!!!
Click on this graphic to be directed to more video link-ups of other bloggers sharing on ENCOURAGEMENT!!!

It's Monday... we all need this, right?!