"I am the daughter of an alcoholic."
For years those words have slipped passed my lips and poured over my heart
creating embittered calluses. Like a branded, beaten pony I've taken that label
and let it manipulate me into a corner of resentment, fear, and confusion.
I've licked my wounds one too many times because I care too much.
I am guilty of giving glory to the darkness of addiction because I have not let
myself heal. Logic had me convinced that if I just stayed broken, angry, and
unforgiving than I would never be "better" and then, in turn, "broken" again.
I'll just emotionally bleed to death and maybe that will be punishment enough
for the both of us. He couldn't possibly choose a drink over that... over me?
I cried out to God this week and asked Him, "Why me? It was so hard. It still is so hard."
I know that my heavenly Father was there in the difficult moments because I would not be
here today if He hadn't been. Grace held my hand, and heaven bent to bind up my brokenness,
but like a fearful child I worried that the healing would be more painful than the actual blow.
Hell would like nothing more than to own my father. To own me.
But I informed the devil this year that he can take back the label he tried
stamping on my being so long ago, "I am the daughter of an alcoholic,"
because I am something infinitely more dear -
I am someone he cannot even wrap his mind around...
No one's sin will define me. Not even my own.
I'm going on 10 years of recovery and I think the biggest lesson I have learned
is that healing is a process. Forgiveness can be given more than once. I need to
forgive over and over and over again because in my humanness I cannot just forget.
Live and let live. Be who God has called me to be. Surrender the problem.
Enjoy my own life and the gifts in the moment to the fullest.
God was there all along. He still is. He chose this path, this family for me
for a reason. And it makes me smile. Seriously smile. I love my father to death
and wait eagerly for the day that he receives his full healing.
Because our God is that big.
We are His children.
Defined by His sacrifice.
And that is how beauty can be found in addiction.
Do you have a similar story? Need help? Want to talk?
E-mail me: firstname.lastname@example.org or leave a comment below.
Al-Anon / Alateen