Monday, November 11, 2013

When Your Heart is Sick

He could barely breathe.
The gasps of air were met with a hallow, barking negative.
Hitting me, head shaking back and forth - back and forth - he fell to the ground in tears.
I'm really thankful for modern medicine. I'm thankful for the team of medical professionals
that met us in the emergency room and helped bring sweet, calm breath back to our baby boy.

Isaiah kept guard, Nathan held on to our Judah, and I sat in a chair with my back against the wall -
supposedly poised, gathered, solid, but behind my face of stone was a wild horse of a woman coming
undone, unfolded, unwound before the God I sometimes trust.

Mountain tops and valleys low. I'm never a permanent resident. Here today, gone tomorrow -
I've let my prayer be: "Lord, let me remember the mountains, the moments in the light, so that
the memory can burn bright when I feel the pull of descent and approaching shadows."

Trusting God is a no-brainer when it's easy. Trusting God when it's difficult, scary - when your very
HEART is on the line - is another story. I made myself pray. I made myself choose F A I T H. And then I
beat myself up for not being stronger, holier, more calm, collected - a vision of sainthood. Ridiculous.

Later that night, I stood in a pediatric intensive care unit with my two year old. I set him on the bed
so I could pull the rocking chair closer to his monitors. He reached out to me, those blueberry eyes of
his framed in bloodshot whites, and said: "Hold you, momma."

He always says it that way when he is the one that wants to be held.
But it struck me so differently that night. I needed to be held too. His words were perfect.
His little arms wrapped around my neck, and my big arms wrapped around his baby body,
and God's unseen, but so powerfully felt, arms wrapped around us all.

My heart was sick. Yes, my child. Yes, my physical, beating heart as well - diseased with
being human, fallen - ready to rage, reject, repel when trust is threatened. Not my child, Lord.

I tell my children all the time: "Momma loves you, but Jesus loves you more."
Making that my cry of trust today. If I really believe it, then maybe, just maybe, my heart
will understand to look up, look high and remember to trust. Even when it is sick.

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  1. oh brittany, it's so scary when our children are involved. and you're so right, jesus loves them way much more than we ever could. hope your sweet one is recovering quickly!

    1. thanks you, Leah! it was such a good reminder for me that GOD IS IN CONTROL. he IS recovering quickly - appreciate your kind words :-)

  2. such a scary moment paired with a very needed reminder of God's goodness no matter what. You're an amazing mom Brittany

    1. YES - a very needed reminder. This is a reoccurring lesson in my life. I tend to be untrusting... and so God checks on me. ALL THE TIME! He is good to sharpen us, purify us. Thank you, Kerrie <3

  3. So sorry to hear your little man has been ill! Hope he is fully restored to health soon! Very tough on a momma's heart.

    1. He is doing so much better this week, Laurel!!! Appreciate your happy thoughts and sweet words!

  4. wow. just... wow. everything i think i should say sounds so stupid. i loved this. it's perfectly written. and i hope like hell that you and yours are well.

    1. Aww haha how sweet of you!!! I'm sure it would not sound "stupid"... your sentiments here are so appreciated though! My little one is doing better this week - praise God!!! I hope that more little ones will not get so sick this season. It is heart breaking :( XO

  5. Makes me cry. I know that feeling all to well. When suddenly God must be doing something mean to you and then you cringe that you even thought it. Our hearts are made to be mighty for our children. God makes them this way so I know he sees your bleeding heart when your child is suffering. So happy he is on the mend. x

    1. "Our hearts are made to be mighty for our children." Beautifully put, Anna. You seem to have such a fresh, grace-filled perception of motherhood and God... it's beautiful and merciful.

      My husband is always reminding me to "have grace" on myself. It's just too easy to beat ourselves up. But you are right - HE DOES see.... and that is a comforting thought!!!


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