I quit buying pregnancy tests four months ago.
Another month, another negative, another stick in the garbage and a husband asking, "So?"
No pressure of course. Just loving expectancy. Both of us.
Before we got married, Nathan and I made a commitment to not use birth control or sterilization
in our marriage. Whaaa? Yea, we had visions of a dozen kids, a 15 passenger van, and appearances on
Good Morning America. And who knows - maybe that will still happen! I'm young. Hopeful.
But if it doesn't, I am learning to be ok with that.
Why God has not given us another baby - I do not understand.
At the rate we started out, 2 babies - 15 months apart, I admit I was worried we'd beat the Duggars!
After Judah was born, we chose to use Natural Family Planning for a time; watching, noting the signs of
my cycle and abstaining when fertile. Each month brought a new prayer, things to discuss, to discern
to the best of our ability, with God, what was right for our family. And then last Spring, all the "issues"
the "hold ups" dissolved and we were excited that God seemed to be opening the door for baby #3.
I just knew we would be pregnant right away, and most likely with twins - as we were obviously
a fountain of fertility right out of the gates! No, those who use Natural Family Planning are not
always called "PARENTS" in the ways that some people expect.
The funny thing is, in this brief time of no conception - in the grand scheme of things - compared to so
many others I know who have longed for just one baby- I have LIVED what I PREACH and that is:
NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING IS A TWO WAY STREET.
We have to trust God either way; in times of abstaining and in times of conceiving.
And that's terribly hard. Whichever way you are walking. I get that now, more than ever.
I never saw big gaps between my children. I never dreamed of a "small" family.
And yet, His ways are better than my ways. His dreams are bigger than my dreams.
He sees it all and knows... on this street of ours.
That doesn't mean I don't cry every now and then when I realize we are still not pregnant.
It just means that I know God is God and I am not. My brain gets it. Someone, tell my heart.
And in the words of so many loving, well-intentioned people,
"Maybe God is giving you this time of not being pregnant or with a newborn for a reason."
Yes... but that is just SCARY! For a reason?! What reason?
"You're not having a baby because you've got a disease!
...or you're going to lose your house!...or you know?!"
I'm really just being funny here, because I DO have to laugh and rejoice
in the LIFE that IS given!!! And trust that no matter what - it's all working out for His glory.