I couldn't read his face. I just laid there, motionless, scared to breath for fear that
I would compromise the routine and somehow miss what I so desperately needed to hear.
After what felt like an eternity, my doctor asked me to come down to the ultrasound room.
"You can't find the heartbeat, can you?" I asked trying to sound brave.
He just shook his head and motioned for me to go down the hall.
Hot tears filled my eyes as I put on the gown that had been handed to me.
My own heart was pounding out of my chest; begging for it's normal rhythm - demanding
to be put at ease. Breathe. Just breathe. "Don't cry. God's will. Remember God's will."
And then there was life. Movement. Cart wheels. 152 beats per minute. A lively baby in
active retreat from all things ultrasonic. I laughed in that moment, relieved of course.
But I cried ugly tears the moment I walked in my front door. Scared, shaken momma tears.
Motherhood. It's so much more than the plastic high heals, make-believe husband, and baby "for real"
that my five year old self imagined. The little life entrusted to us - precious extensions of ourselves.
Truly the heartbeat of our lives. I thought I knew LOVE.
I found out I knew nothing before my first son was born.
It makes my chest ache just thinking about it. A love so raw, fierce, driven, decidedly abandoned
to the tiny person gifted to you. It's big. And it does NOT divide with each coming child, but
multiples, grows, deepens - leaving its mark etched all over our skin, our hearts.
I've never feared my heart exploding until now.
Motherhood. I've been to Europe 4 times, sat in halls and met with influential, famous, holy people,
been on over 10 missions from the U.S. to Mexico, witnessed miracles first hand, attained a B.A. in
Theology and English: Writing, married the man of my dreams, worked my "dream job", etc. etc. etc.
And yet, hands down, the best adventure and accomplishment of my life
resides in being crowned "momma". Momma to the ones with the sticky hands,
smudgy faces, endless requests, and the shining "chocolate" and "blueberry" eyes.
They make my world go round. I'm honored to be their momma.
I'm thankful I celebrate "Mother's Day" with these people. My very heartbeat.
Wishing all the mommas - the ones who mother both spiritually and biologically -
the ones who foster, adopt, lovingly take under their wing - the ones who are longing
to be mothers - the ones who have loved and lost - my own momma - all of you -