The other night I had to run out to pick up some groceries, and my husband had to pry our 3 year old
off my legs so that I could actually walk out the door minus the cute, but extra, accessory. Apparently
he cried for a long time - only to be mildly consoled by praying for me. He kept saying he wanted a
"family night" - for momma to come home. Heartbreaking, I know. I almost, almost, suffered a
bout of "momma guilt" - and then the gigantic, "I'm so pregnant", emotional wave passed and I was like,
"Dude, I went out to get FOOD!"
"He doesn't act like this. Ever." I told my husband.
He must know, he must sense, that his whole, little world is about to change.
I feel it too. Any day now. Our routine, our rhythm, is going to be gloriously interrupted,
rearranged, by a tiny newborn - that my kids still innocently believe is going to "pop out" of
my belly button. They actually tell people this - with a complete confidence and certainty
that would make you think they're actually midget OBGYNS.
Our hearts and home are full of anticipation.
I can't believe it was just this past January that I was about to throw away all our baby toys...
"With not being able to conceive a third child - and no promise of conception in the near
future - I was shouting 'FINE, God... You've let my body betray me! So I will stand
with my hands on my hips, eyes laser-focused with cheeks glazed in tears, jaw clenched -
and roar back at You..' by throwing away all the baby toys?! Can we say hormonal?"
In the midst of my confusion and frustration, God broke through, blessing me with tenderness and
one million tears. I took those toys and packed them away in a paper Trader Joe's bag not knowing
when, or if ever, I would unpack them again. But the word "LIFE" was resounding in my heart -
loud enough to give me hope.
That month we got pregnant.
I took out those baby toys the other day - just to see. It was humbling and beautiful all at the
same time. God gives in HIS time. A lesson that seems to be on REPEAT for this momma. I moved all
the small gadgets - the soft ones, the ones that light up, that sing, stack, and hold the imagination,
fascination, of such tiny minds - and put them into a soft bag with Christmas-like excitement...
Any day now.
I am looking forward to the moment we introduce the baby to the boys. Yes, this little one
will change their world - but I will pray away the anxiety and call down that radical joy
that comes from having siblings! Isaiah keeps telling me he is going to "hold the baby's head" -
aaaaand BODY... I remind him!!!
I am looking forward to feeling my heart EXPAND with love. It's crazy how a mother's love does
NOT divide among her children, as if she has a certain capacity, but multiplies, spills over,
becomes greater, deeper - more crushing, more fierce with each new child.
I am looking forward to recovery. Quiet, family time. We might be living in our pajamas, eating
peanut butter and jelly like it's going out of style, and watching WAY TOO MUCH Netflix...
but it'll be great.
I am looking forward to the scent of fresh baby. Enough said, right?
I am looking forward to sleeping on my stomach again. And my husband is looking forward to me
not begging, doe-eyes and all, for massages every night. I've loved being "host" - but it's time.
Eviction day is coming. Let's keep it quick and easy, baby!!!
I wish I could hug and thank each and every one of you who has prayed for and with us -
before we got pregnant and throughout this pregnancy. It means so much. I still think of and pray
for all who have shared their own struggle with infertility (secondary) with me. You are so loved.
LIFE. HOPE. THANKFULNESS.
Party of five? It's happening!