Thursday, October 2, 2014

Identity Crisis

Last month I came home from one of our first, official homeschooling group events and told
my husband, "I don't think I fit in. I've got BLACK SHEEP written all over my forehead." He
laughed at my dramatic antics, but I just stared back at him - eyes open wide, mouth slightly agape...

"No, I'm not kidding."

I seriously sat in the Church that day, amidst a sea of seemingly well-seasoned homeschoolers -
all modestly dressed - thanking the good Lord that at least I was inspired to change out of my
tank top and into a t-shirt for the occasion. I looked down at my two children, who were "being
good" in the pew and knew everyone was probably judging me for letting them color in a
NON-RELIGIOUS coloring book during Mass. Holy cow. If they didn't see the beautifully colored
Lightning McQueen - there's NO WAY they could have missed my four year old's faux hawk.

Can I shape-shift into a fly on the wall right about now?! I have issues.

My mom said it is because I am pregnant.

Suddenly a student drop-off line at the local, public school was seeming more welcome.
I had to shake myself a little; mentally dump some cold water over my face. Deep breaths.
I was homeschooled. These are my people. We are homeschoolers. I can do this.

Wouldn't have been such a big deal if just a couple weeks before this incident I couldn't decide
if I wanted to live in the suburbs for the rest of my life or pack up for the country - something
a little more like what I grew up with. I love that Whole Foods is 5 minutes from my doorstep, ok?!
But I also love wide open spaces and miles of nothing but cornfields.

Back and forth for months now.

I used to eat Oreos for breakfast and Fruity Pebbles for dinner. Now I'm downing pro-biotics,
fermenting vegetables on my kitchen counter, and feeding my family unpasteurized eggs for crying
out loud. 4 years ago I couldn't have told you what a GMO is - now I go around preaching against
them like an annoying granola bar.


I was always so sure of myself and the decisions I made. Having a husband and children has definitely
changed that. It's not just ME anymore. More is involved and the rippling affects scare this anxious
soul. It startles me that I may have changed throughout the years - treading on territory so very
different from what I've known my whole life. Don't mess with a good thing, right? What if I'm doing
it all wrong now?

But change is good, right? Maybe I should take a note from my own sermon!

It must because I am pregnant. Because that scares me too. I can't see beyond our family of
four. Therefore that means I am obviously just going to die. You know, I swear I'm a good time in real
life! Please still be my friend?

I guess I just wanted to throw this confession out there. I don't "have it all together" -
and lately I'm not even sure exactly "who I am" - other than I am DEFINITELY "not another mommy
hair cut
!" HA. I know that for sure.

"Your identity is AWESOME Catholic! You are NOT a Pharisee. Outward appearances DO NOT
MATTER! God cares about the HEART."
That's what my mom said. At least I've got this
going for me! It's straight-up legit and encouraging.

Reading my Instagram "profile" aloud: "Brittany. Daughter of Heaven, wife, momma, blogger,
foodie, lover of all things natural, reader, rebel, and wearer of sassy pants."

I guess I'm still blooming. And things will come and go for the rest of my entire life.
It's exciting to think that we all get a chance at being "a lot of things" - and that's ok.

Maybe once this baby lands I'll go back to being semi-normal. Ok so I'm not ever normal,
but the idea is comforting! I remember hearing Shauna Niequist speak last fall and she shared
about not really "finding herself" til her mid-30's - knowing that she wanted to write, speak, etc.

So I've got time, right?

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  1. Girl, I hope it's not just pregnancy, because I don't have that excuse, and I FEEL YOU. Is there such thing as adoption brain?? Must be. Please, God, let there be.

    Good to know I'm not alone!

    1. Haha Lindsy!!! Hang in there!!! (preaching to self) - lol. I think it'll all "iron itself out" with time! And it's ok to change our minds, right?! Go with the flow. I am SO not good at that. And TOTALLY - adoption brain! It's a whole new ball game of stress and emotions I am sure. Will pray for you, girl!!!!

  2. I'm right there with you.
    I take comfort in the fact that Julia Child didn't know how to cook at all until she was in her 30's. We've got time to find our niche.

    1. Oh good! Julia Child - another perfect example!!!! So glad we've got time!!! XO


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