Identity Crisis

Last month I came home from one of our first, official homeschooling group events and told
my husband, "I don't think I fit in. I've got BLACK SHEEP written all over my forehead." He
laughed at my dramatic antics, but I just stared back at him - eyes open wide, mouth slightly agape...

"No, I'm not kidding."

I seriously sat in the Church that day, amidst a sea of seemingly well-seasoned homeschoolers -
all modestly dressed - thanking the good Lord that at least I was inspired to change out of my
tank top and into a t-shirt for the occasion. I looked down at my two children, who were "being
good" in the pew and knew everyone was probably judging me for letting them color in a
NON-RELIGIOUS coloring book during Mass. Holy cow. If they didn't see the beautifully colored
Lightning McQueen - there's NO WAY they could have missed my four year old's faux hawk.

Can I shape-shift into a fly on the wall right about now?! I have issues.

My mom said it is because I am pregnant.

Suddenly a student drop-off line at the local, public school was seeming more welcome.
I had to shake myself a little; mentally dump some cold water over my face. Deep breaths.
I was homeschooled. These are my people. We are homeschoolers. I can do this.

Wouldn't have been such a big deal if just a couple weeks before this incident I couldn't decide
if I wanted to live in the suburbs for the rest of my life or pack up for the country - something
a little more like what I grew up with. I love that Whole Foods is 5 minutes from my doorstep, ok?!
But I also love wide open spaces and miles of nothing but cornfields.

Back and forth for months now.

I used to eat Oreos for breakfast and Fruity Pebbles for dinner. Now I'm downing pro-biotics,
fermenting vegetables on my kitchen counter, and feeding my family unpasteurized eggs for crying
out loud. 4 years ago I couldn't have told you what a GMO is - now I go around preaching against
them like an annoying granola bar.

WHO AM I?

I was always so sure of myself and the decisions I made. Having a husband and children has definitely
changed that. It's not just ME anymore. More is involved and the rippling affects scare this anxious
soul. It startles me that I may have changed throughout the years - treading on territory so very
different from what I've known my whole life. Don't mess with a good thing, right? What if I'm doing
it all wrong now?

But change is good, right? Maybe I should take a note from my own sermon!

It must because I am pregnant. Because that scares me too. I can't see beyond our family of
four. Therefore that means I am obviously just going to die. You know, I swear I'm a good time in real
life! Please still be my friend?

I guess I just wanted to throw this confession out there. I don't "have it all together" -
and lately I'm not even sure exactly "who I am" - other than I am DEFINITELY "not another mommy
hair cut!" HA. I know that for sure.

"Your identity is AWESOME Catholic! You are NOT a Pharisee. Outward appearances DO NOT
MATTER! God cares about the HEART." That's what my mom said. At least I've got this
going for me! It's straight-up legit and encouraging.

Reading my Instagram "profile" aloud: "Brittany. Daughter of Heaven, wife, momma, blogger,
foodie, lover of all things natural, reader, rebel, and wearer of sassy pants."

I guess I'm still blooming. And things will come and go for the rest of my entire life.
It's exciting to think that we all get a chance at being "a lot of things" - and that's ok.

Maybe once this baby lands I'll go back to being semi-normal. Ok so I'm not ever normal,
but the idea is comforting! I remember hearing Shauna Niequist speak last fall and she shared
about not really "finding herself" til her mid-30's - knowing that she wanted to write, speak, etc.



So I've got time, right?