The Hearts We Hold

Of course my brain has always known that God loves me; "the Bible tells me so", right?
The brain and the heart - sometimes, always, never seeming to line up. But motherhood -
I feel like motherhood has given me a deeper glimpse at the kind of love God has for me...

for us.

I can slowly feel the truth trickle down and permeate my heart. The beautiful words, often times
seeming so Christianly cliché, "God loves you", suddenly mean something more as I have someone,
these small children that have been gifted to me, to heighten the reality of the LOVE that we all
so desperately crave, that is being so generously given.

How often do I look at my own children, evaluating their talents, needs, fears, personalities?
I see exuberant joy in one, mind-blowing kindness in another... sensitivity, curiosity, a leader,
an adventurer, caution, questions, tenderness. Each morning bringing new, exciting, and sometimes
exhausting gifts or challenges as they grow. But I see. I make note.

How can I highlight, expose, strengthen what naturally comes to them? I find myself planning a
spontaneous picnic in the park for my lover of surprises or picking up a bag of chocolates for
the one with the blueberry eyes - wide and hungry for all the sweetness life has to offer.

And if I, as a mother, as a flawed and broken human being, try so hard to see, find, gift my children
with good things (sometimes failing, sometimes winning) - how MUCH GREATER is the work
of God? Welling up out of LOVE - because it's that fierce, "I'll give my life for you",
kind of love we feel as mothers, no? That our God feels for us?

A few weeks ago, I watched my youngest excitedly ride a horse for the first time. No fear.
His wild, little heart felt right at home on top of such power. I could see the fire-delight
in the eyes of my son; reigning, taming that animal strength with natural ease and joy.

I was anxious and perplexed. Not about my baby being on a horse that could crush his
entire body in one, swift motion, but because my oldest was cautiously watching.

The skeptic one - the child that I want to push towards growth, towards adventure, towards
tasting all the experiences that life has to offer... but stop because his heart, this heart I
am blessed to hold, is so often not ready. Marching to the beat of his own drum. I must remember.

My desire for him, my love for him, for this heart that I hold,
wanted to see him ride the horse. But I waited. No pushing. Just offering.

"I'm here, buddy."

And then he held up his arms - an invitation to lift him up onto "Blondie."


A huge smile trumped the tears that quickly gathered in my eyes.
Oh how I want good things, out of radical love, for my children!
Oh how HE wants good things for me... for us.

And I feel in that moment an ocean's worth of love, blowing across the fields, straight
from heaven, whispering, "Do you know?" You love your child, your children, with every
fiber of your being, every beat of your heart, but do you know how much stronger,
deeper, real MY love is for YOU?

I am beginning to understand. Motherhood is teaching me well.

My Husband Gave Me a Modesty Lecture

"Your dress is a little revealing," my husband stated in the most monotone, obviously
not impressed, voice ever.

"What does that even mean?" I shot back a tad defensively. I suddenly felt on the insecure
side of it all; trapped in a car, on the way to church, with no way to change or alter the outfit.

He apparently saw something that I didn't see.

"I'm pregnant and married. And pregnant. Nobody cares, babe."

"You can think what you like, but that's not true. I care," he gently shared.

"Are you giving me a modesty lecture?!"


Oh man, he's serious. Immediately my mind races to the fact that I am 28 weeks pregnant
and bursting out of all my clothing in EVERY direction. He's lucky I didn't erupt in tears
right then and there just focusing on the fact that my body is "not normal", and clothes that
I typically wear with a size A bra, most likely from the junior's department, suddenly don't
look so "modest" anymore. I chose to play devil's advocate. Because I'm feisty like that.

"What? So I'm my brother's keeper or something holy like that?"

Before I knew it, bible verses were swinging, analogies were flying, and I found myself
passionately declaring: "I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON'S SIN!"

Like for real. That came out of my mouth.

"So I can't drink alcohol because someone might be an alcoholic? I can't eat cake because someone
might be a glutton? I can't go shopping with a friend because they might be a thief. I can't wear
*this or that* because someone might struggle with lust? Sin is just waiting to happen.
EVERYWHERE."

Seriously, there's a very hormonal, 16 year old girl trapped somewhere inside my body.

The idea of having to think through every situation, outfit, is absolutely overwhelming to me;
positively scrupulous, slightly on the fundamentalist side of things with a dash of puritanism.

For me, modesty is not about the rules and regulations. I've never thought of it that way,
and I never will. I've met girls who live by the "2 inch" tank top and "finger tip length" shorts
law. That's just not me. But you know what, if that's their thing, all the power to them.

Because I truly believe that modesty is a matter of the HEART.
And it's a two-way street, brothers and sisters... a two-way street.

And I feel like there are two dominating strains of thought in this country:

1.) the body, sex, anything closely related is TABOO

2.) the body, sex, anything closely related should be EXPLOITED

No happy medium. It's either just "bad" or made "worse" by glorifying all the wrong things.

The body was created GOOD. So very good. Genesis 1:31. After "the fall", most obviously seen
in our present day and age, is the distortion of what was created GOOD - all things being bent and
twisted. Pleasurable, but not necessarily honorable. Desirable, but not necessarily properly ordered.

Break it down for me, Church:

"Modesty protects the mystery of persons and their love. It encourages patience and moderation
in loving relationships; it requires that the conditions for the definitive giving and commitment
of man and woman to one another be fulfilled. Modesty is decency. It inspires one's choice of
clothing. It keeps silence or reserve where there is evident risk of unhealthy curiosity.
It is discreet." - Catechism of the Catholic Church 2522

"Teaching modesty to children and adolescents means
awakening in them respect for the human person."
- Catechism of the Catholic Church 2524

Respect for the human person. And this is why I think that modesty is a matter of the heart -
falling as a responsibility (let's say: "loving honor" - because it sounds less dutiful and more
of what it should be) on both the shoulders of men and women alike. I mean if we get it?!
If we get that our OWN BODIES are something precious, awesome, holy, creation-good -
along with the bodies of all those around us - then won't we EXUDE that respect
that the Church is talking about?

So I take it back. Blame it on pregnant hormones. I DO think we are our brother's keeper.
But remember that two-way street? Men are just as responsible to be keepers of their sisters.

"Because we transcend the physical world - being created in the image of God - we are all
capable of forming this kind of deep communion with our fellow human beings. It is part of what
makes us distinctively human. Living in community, we form bonds and help each other. We live for
each other's sake - not just our own." - Torode

I'm sorry if you were hoping I was going to dish out some juicy details about a husband who turned
the car around to drive home and make his wife change! It's not like that. It's more like:
"Hey, I love you, did you think about that dress you put on this morning?"
- sister's keeper, people.

At the end of the day, when I wash the make-up off my face and crumple into bed, I am not thinking
about how short my shorts were or how tight my tank top - I guess I'm examining my heart.

Do I see the GOODNESS in my own body? The people around me?
Do I know that I am loved? And that others deserve love too?
Do I feel respected? Did I show respect to others?

How did that play out, NOT ONLY in the way I dressed myself today,
but in my words and actions too?

The heart. What we do and say, how we act and dress - such a powerful reflection of what's going
on underneath it all - of what's being believed, bought, and sold below the skin, deep inside the
soul. We are all a beautiful mess, aren't we? Let's "keep" ourselves and encourage others, as a
loving honor, to express the goodness that lies within.

"Modesty is always beautiful." - G.K. Chesterton


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Communion: Beyond the Doors of the Church

"What is time for if not to bless?" - Ann Voskamp

Isaiah was adamant about working with me in the garden. The child who cannot bear even
a spot of water on his dry clothing eagerly slipped off those red shoes - fancy Pumas that
he received as a Christmas gift; already so worn, rugged, bearing the marks of boyhood
adventure - and then his socks to feel the cool, damp earth between his feet.

I stood in awe, shock really, waiting for a cry of displeasure. Nothing.

"Teach me how, momma."


He learned how to pick beans that day; how to carefully pull back the green leaves and fill
his bucket with joy. Plant after plant, my diligent shadow picked a few - ate a few - and then
told me all about how he knew that Jesus was the one who made them grow.

I just stopped. I dropped the beans from my hands and began praying out loud.
Thanksgiving for the earth, the sun, the water that falls from the heavens - the seeds,
the growth, the God that works in every minute of every day to bring forth food for our family.
Food that remains unscathed by pesticides, preservatives - fresh, raw goodness that passes
through our hands and onto our table to fill us up. I gave thanks. His little
voice echoing, tiny "uh huhs" - his version of "AMEN." A Eucharistic moment.

For the past several months I have been delving deep into the ever so popular book,
One Thousands Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. Recently I began the study with a group of some of
my dearest friends, and it has moved my heart in ways that I needed, longed for - like it was on
the tip of my tongue, just beyond my grasp this whole time.

And finally I taste. Finally the door opens and I can touch it.

For years I've watched my own husband unashamedly offer thanks, praise, prayers of petition out
loud, in the moment - on the street, in public places, with complete strangers - with family, friends,
our children... with me. I've jealously watched his zeal, his trust, his belief that God is
there, listening, responding. I brushed it off all this time thinking that it must be a
"Protestant" thing - part of something he grew up with, his ethos.

But not for me.

Communion is for Church. Of course I have a "personal relationship" with Jesus Christ,
but for some reason it felt strange, odd, to pull Him into every moment of every day. My whole life,
I have celebrated the Eucharist - taking part in that glorious mystery - but seriously underestimating
its power, Christ's power, to walk out of the pews, slip out the door, and burst forth - ALIVE IN ME -
ALIVE IN YOU - in the world.

I don't want to wait to "give thanks" until the next time I find myself at Mass.
I don't want to wait to "praise" until the next time I'm leading worship with my husband.
I don't want to wait to "seek help" the next time someone asks me if I'll pray for them.

NOW.

I want to do it now. Because He's here. Communion.


“Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair.” - G.K. Chesterton

Eat Your Pizza If You Want To Ride A Pony

Two sisters. Both pregnant. Sans husbands (apparently they "work" or something).
4 children under the age of 4. One mini van. One hotel room. Road trip to Iowa? No problem.

I wasn't going to go. I had already informed all family members involved with the event that
this 27 week preggo was going to have to bow out gracefully. I just wanted to do EVERYONE a favor,
ya know? Yea you do. But my sister, Nellie, convinced me that it would be "FUN" and proved to me
via Weather.com that it would NOT be the standard 106 degrees for fair week, but a whopping 70
and overcast. Ok. I'm coming. I like a good polar vortex in July.


Our little sister had some horses to show at the county fair, and we didn't want to miss it.
We must love her a lot or something! I mean I don't just put up with HOURS of "are we there
yet?" or "Aunt Birdy is there poop in your belly?" (No, that would be a BABY.)
for anyone.

I know that I was relieved that our parents beat us to the hotel. Between my dad and my
brother, I think all I had to carry in was a stack of pillows and my belly. My kids haven't
stayed in a hotel for a few years, and were kind of worried that we were going to be spending the
night in a "doctor's office." I have no idea. They thought the beds were trampolines too.
Thankfully Uncle Zach and Aunt Abby volunteered for that shift and I watched nervously from the
other side of the room wondering if there was even a real "doctor's office"
out in the middle-of-no-where, Iowa should we break another body part.

I wish someone would have recorded us going out to eat. One kid was dumping out the pepper shaker,
another was screaming because they wanted a cucumber gosh-darn-it, one was poking toothpicks at
people (including strangers), and I'm just like, "NO ONE TOUCH ME UNTIL I FINISH EATING!"
Literally. My own child was weepy because I refused to hold him until I had finished my plate.
He's learning young - the ways of dealing with pregnant women. Handle with care.

And all the while my sister keeps telling her 3 year old, "Eat your pizza if you want
to ride a pony!" Followed by happy shrills and uncontrollable giggling. From the 3 year old.
Not my sister. "Can we get a box, now?! Right now? Anyone?"

We brushed so many crumbs onto the floor, and I forgot to leave a tip.
Good thing they will probably never see us again. Sorry, Pizza Ranch.

It was quite the adventure. One that left its mark all over my van. I'm pretty sure
I vacuumed up a 6 course meal after all was said and done. Last night I was STILL finding
lost toys and DVDs in the deep, dark recesses of that Odyssey.

But we made it! And it really was "fun"!!!

My only tip to other daring souls who like to tackle adventuresome situations:
bring lots of snacks, a solid recording of "Let It Go", and take potty breaks like
it's your job - because ain't nobody got time for an accident. And by "nobody" I'm also including myself.
Pregnancy does things to you. Man. Good times.

5 Things We Would Tell Our "newlywed" Selves

The other night my husband and I had a long chat about what we would tell our newlywed selves.
Nathan says we are no longer newlyweds because we have kids. Apparently we don't share the same
romantic bubble, because I personally still feel like a newlywed! Celebrating 5 years this summer.
It was time we did a little marriage evaluation, a little heart-to-heart in the "tough" question
department. I kind of felt like I was preparing for confession or something:

Bless me Father, for I was once a newlywed (or to some people - STILL AM!) and yea *face palm*...
I've learned a lot - with so far to go! Good thing we've got a lifetime to figure it out!


1.) "I'm fine."
This was a phrase that I learned very early on was NOT going to work inside of marriage.
For some reason I thought my feelings or emotions concerning everything from the very stupid to the
very serious were somehow my fault - something that I needed to just get over and fix on my own.

Month after month of "I'm fine" was a nice little prelude to a passionate unloading of
half a dozen issues that could have easily been taken care of "in the moment", along the way, and
really been "no big deal." Suppression of feelings = Godzilla. Not pretty.

With kindness and respect, share your heart, good or bad, sooner rather than later.

2.) "You are just like me."
What a joke! This went both ways for us - just assuming that the other was going to do some things
the EXACT SAME WAY that we had done them on our own. Because obviously my ways are best
- so chop chop, get with the program! Obviously not all things, but the important
things, ya know? Like folding towels and making the bed. Ha.

And now that we have kids! Wow. It is something we are constantly having to either discuss or
"let go" of on a regular basis. Nobody wants to be nagged. Everyone wants to feel affirmed.
Finding a balance in this is key. Makes the marriage world go round.

You will each have your own unique way of taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, folding the
laundry, etc., and learning to "go with the flow", the rhythm of the other, is a really good idea.

3.) "Get off your high horse."
My husband actually used this phrase the other night while hashing this out because this is how he
felt sometimes in regards to some of the things that were important to me as his wife. We are both
so opinionated, stubborn, sharing dominating temperaments - so most of the time we just "say it how
it is" and don't bat an eye. Crazy time.

These "important things" included stuff like cleaning out the sink drain after washing dishes to taking an
active roll in our decision to use Natural Family Planning. I think this is a big COMMUNICATION issue.
It's such a novel idea to be with someone who can read your heart and soul, but it's not really a reality.
At least for us. Asking nicely, explaining the desire, laying out the "game plan" - is SO helpful!
As good as my spouse is, he/she is not Jesus.

Make "things" that are important to HIM/HER - a habit for ME.

4.) "TOGETHER. Plan money and time. TOGETHER."
My husband kept re-emphasizing the need for this to be done "TOGETHER." When we were first
married, we did not make this a habit. We were both really busy with work and school
- our schedules and money were SO SET, strapped really. Planning didn't make much difference.

Luckily we learned pretty quickly after the first year how important this was going to be to our
marriage and made it a habit. Just sitting down for 10-15 minutes on a Sunday night to go over the
"plan" for the week has helped us avoid so many arguments, broken hearts, and just
simple misunderstandings.

At the beginning of the week we know, "Hey, Tuesday you're going out with your buddies.
Wednesday we are taking the kids to the library. Etc." No big surprises, right?! Haha there will
ALWAYS be surprises and unexpected situations that come into the picture. It's life. Just knowing
that my husband, and this goes for him with me as well, is trying his best to accommodate
not only me, but our kids as well, makes me feel loved.

Slow down at least once a week to discuss the plans, expectations, that are coming up.

5.) "Pray."
This one seems like a no-brainer. Of course this is a good idea! But what we didn't know was that
the enemy was going to do everything in his power to make sure that this does NOT happen on a
regular basis. How often we skip praying together to watch T.V., work on our own business,
or just plain fall asleep!

Hearing the heart of your spouse for the Lord - joining in the thankfulness and petition -
moving towards heaven in this way together = a holy strength and unity!!!

It's not going to be as easy as it sounds, "to pray with your spouse", but make it a priority.


I feel so blessed to be married to my husband, Nathan! It's not always easy, this whole
marriage gig, but it's SO SO worth it! The greatest, refining, adventure of my life.
And I don't want it to ever be over.

_____________________________
YOUR TURN!
What would you tell your newlywed self looking back?
What would your spouse say? Spill the beans.

_____________________________

Hobby Lobby: a reflection on tolerance

Remember last week? Can you believe those judges? Ruling in favor of Hobby Lobby like the robed
women-haters they are. I have heard. it. all. Between Facebook, Twitter, and my regular rounds in
Blogdom - I'd say the general climate concerning this issue is a bit chilly.

I was seriously in awe, and I know that what I've read and gathered is a small portion of opinion,
at how "intolerant" the usually pro-tolerance crowd seemed. I mean people were suggesting that women
go and have sex in the aisles of Hobby Lobby in retaliation. Others suggested burning down the buildings (caution: violent language).

Really?

Obviously I'm happy with the Supreme Court's decision, but it's not just because I personally don't
believe in abortion-inducing drugs (which, if you check your facts, is actually all that Hobby Lobby
wanted and was excused from). I saw many people freaking out, chanting through the words in every
other status: "Where does it end!?" It seems like many are assuming that the list of "exemptions"
will go on forever and that this is just the beginning of the madness.

I envisioned women running to their purses, medicine cabinets, grabbing their contraceptive practices
and either locking them up or burying them deep beneath the ground - like we are all being time-warped
back to the 1960's or something. It's not like birth control is doing anyone any favors anyway.
I just said that.

I'm an American *shocker* who believes whole-heartedly in the First Amendment -
which, if you haven't read it, talks pretty highly about the "free exercise of religion."

So Hobby Lobby and a whole bunch of other companies want "out". They want their personal, religious
beliefs to be honored and protected like they have been since George Washington and the good 'ole boys.

Can someone tell me why we all aren't happy for them?

Ok Hobby Lobby, and other closely related companies at this point in time, don't have to pay for
your abortion-inducing drugs. Some companies don't offer you a 401K plan, stock options, 3 weeks of
paid vacation, an office with a view, and a promise that you will never ever have to travel
and stay in some straight-from-a-horror-movie hotel room. And now...

some companies are not going to offer the coverage for abortion-inducing drugs.

Like most people applying for a job, they take this stuff into consideration. Don't like no paid
vacay? Don't like third shift? Don't like "personal religious beliefs"? Go apply somewhere else.
I mean it's really that easy. And we all do it. Am I wrong?

But I think the heart of my point here is EVEN IF THEY DID take away your contraception coverage
too (not just abortion-inducing drugs),based on their "free exercise of religion", we should
all be CHEERING, whether you believe in these moral issues or not, because the Constitution of the
United States of America is being upheld. And y'all, that's a damn good day in the land of
red, white, and blue if you ask me.

I'm not one to talk though. You all know I don't exactly hold any awards in the area of TOLERANCE.
And that's because I've chosen to believe whole-heartedly in what I believe.

I think you should too.

However, this does NOT mean I do not LOVE those on the "other side" of my opinion -
(even though I'm probably going to get countless comments/e-mails saying that I'm an intolerant bigot)
but it does mean that I am not going to be all like, "I SUPPORT YOU!" in what I personally
don't believe in. Because I'd just be lying, and that's not true love anyway.

I want to be brave. I want to stand firm.
I want the ground I stand on to mean something and not be easily moved by having to
cater and bend to the agenda of "tolerance" or every other piece of opinion out there.

I think it's ok to not agree, I think it's ok to have a strong opinion,
and I think this whole notion of "TOLERANCE" is like playing with fire.
I'm kind of proud of Hobby Lobby, and all the other companies out there, who are bold enough
to even file a law suit against something they don't believe in - just simply won't tolerate.

I want my children to know and remember a world where people speak up for what they believe in
(even if it IS opposing their personal morals and beliefs). I want my children to see so very
clearly the lines, the differences - to not become complacent or made to "step in line" and
just accept, go with the flow, smile, and "get by" because that's what everyone else does.

Wake up, Millennials. There's work to be done.




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It Won't Be Like This For Long

I hope you all had a great 4th of July weekend!

We spent the weekend at the lake with the kids - so good for all our hearts and souls.
I couldn't stop thinking about how quickly the seasons of life change. One night as we were
taking a "flash light" walk with the kids, I looked over at Nathan and asked him,

"Remember when it was just US - taking walks out here?"

I love the ebb and flow of family life. All the memories stacking up - being built into
our beautiful legacy. Makes me smile. Makes me want to sit a little longer in the time that
is given. Because even though it just gets better and better with each passing year -
full of more love, familiar, comfort - it won't be like this for long.

I think I have spent most of my life rushing, counting down the days, until the next milestone.
I couldn't wait to be old enough to wear make-up, drive a car, be a missionary, go to college...
living for the next "big event". And now? I don't feel like "I've arrived", but I guess time
has taught me that it's not about the "destination" but the "all along the way".

And now we are all having visions of "Grandma Brittany." Sigh.

Life is my "big event" - and I don't want to push aside the "Mondays" so I can get to the
"Fridays" - because you just never know! "Monday" might surprise you. And I don't want to miss it!

My "No Birth Plan" Plan

I don't know if it's just me, but I imagine that it happens to most women...
That moment, somewhere between 20-30 weeks of pregnancy, when it hits you:

"This baby has to come out of me. One way or another."
(insert the most freaked-out emoticon face in existence)

I think I had a minor panic attack. My palms got all sweaty and I could feel myself
slipping into that rhythmic, lamaze-like, breathing pattern - head spinning, clammy hands,
trying not to pass out. I'm pretty sure I even imagined a contraction.

My idea of being a "warrior momma" suddenly becomes absurd, delusional.


Recently a friend lent me a big stack of "natural" child birth books. A lot of Bradley Method
stuff. All beautifully graphic and shockingly terrifying at the same time. One night I rolled over
in bed and jokingly told my husband that I had some "great bedtime reading" for him...

"And when the woman's cervix is fully dilated to 10cm, the baby will slowly begin to descend
the birth canal, otherwise known as the vagina (miraculously formed with accordion-like style skin)."

My husband didn't think it was very funny. My thoughts exactly!
I don't want to know. Just tell me when it's over, mmmmkay!?

So I went in to my last pre-natal visit and told my doctor that I wanted to chat "birth plan."
He sat down in the chair next to the examining table and told me to "shoot."

"I don't want to plan anything... Hope you're cool with that."

He threw his hands up in the air and laughed. For a second I thought he was making fun of me,
but then he told me how relieved he was - and that 9 out of 10 women, in his 20+ years of
practice, that make birth plans end up in tears when page 3 of 5 was completely thrown out
the window due to complications, unforeseen events, the nature of childbirth, etc.

Yes. I've been there. 38 weeks pregnant with my first, I was all geared up, ready, trained to
embrace the "euphoric storm" of labor and delivery when they sat me down and informed me that there
was NO WAY with my deformed uterus and a footling breach baby that I was going to have a vaginal
delivery. I cried. A lot. Mostly because I was mourning the loss of my beautiful plan!

Two days later my son came via C-Section and I forgot all about it. It didn't matter.
He was here. We both were safe, healthy. Life was good.

My second son came via VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), and all along the doctors told me that
they would NOT, under any circumstances, induce or prompt my labor. Not only did they break my
water, they also hooked me up to Pitocin. That wasn't even THEIR plan...

I'm glad I didn't make a plan.

Now, I know there are dozens and dozens of women, even many friends of mine, who have achieved
their "dream birth" by way of a "birth plan" and all. I DO BELIEVE IT HAPPENS! I've seen it happen.
I guess I'm just ok with winging it.

Whatever goes down - great. I'm a solid 30 minute drive to the hospital.
And that's without rush hour. In Chicago. I could be delivering this baby on the interstate for all
I know. Ok, hopefully not! That might scar me for life. But I want to be "ok" for whatever happens -
and the only way that that makes sense for ME (with my personality, temperament, etc.)
is to go in with a "no birth plan" plan.

I like routines, but I like surprises more. I'm ok with the "ride."
So, surprise me, baby number 3!!! Let's make this a birth day to remember!!!
In a good way. No interstates, and a quick, clean labor... if possible!?

I'll keep y'all posted. Obviously. I'm a blogger. That's what I do.
I'm 26 weeks today. Good thing I've still got time.


How about you? Birth plan? No birth plan?
Was it everything you dreamed it would be?

____________________________________________

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