I woke up to Nathan kissing me on the forehead, "Hey, I am leaving for work."
I was so sleepy; had been falling asleep on the couch after dinner every night for two weeks.
"Something is seriously wrong with me?!" I joked.
That morning I grabbed a pregnancy test (because I keep stock - you're welcome Dollar Tree!) and
peed in a cup. Three drops later I walked out of the bathroom and thought, "I can't look at the answer
without Nathan!!!!" So I gently slid the stick into an envelope and set it on our bedroom dresser.
I know I know -- I've had the determination and will power of a two year old refusing nap time for
as long as I can remember. Ha. I did NOT peek. That afternoon I slipped the envelope into my purse
and drove to church where we were meeting as a family for Mass: feast of the Immaculate Conception.
We sang the last hymn and I looked over at Nathan who was shocked to find out that I had actually
brought the pregnancy test to Mass. SURPRISE!!! I opened the envelope and at first didn't see the
second line... and then I looked again, "Oh my gosh, BABE! There are TWO lines!!!"
To which we both immediately questioned the QUALITY of a pregnancy test that had been taken
hours and hours prior to reading the results. We both agreed that it was anti-climatic
and went out for tacos. Lol.
But in the back of my mind I knew it had to be right.
I don't typically crave deli turkey, Lucky Charms, pop tarts and oranges!!!
I waited 3 more days and checked again. Definitely POSITIVE.
Checked the next day too, because I'm a skeptic and was in total HAPPY shock!!!
THREE positive tests. My fourth pregnancy. "I'll call the doctor when I hit eight weeks or soooo..."
We were excited and planning a way to tell our kids and family for Christmas!!!
A week later, somewhere between 4/5 weeks, it began.
I went to bed in peace thinking the spotting was just a fluke. Not a big deal.
But I woke up the next morning, December 16th, and realized it wasn't going to stop.
Shaking, I texted my sister. Not sure what to do. "I feel sick," I whispered over the phone
to Nathan. That day my doctor sent me in to run labs -- but I could feel that something had changed.
Like a light had gone out?
I threw on a hoodie with half blow-dried hair and put the kids in the van. As I was backing out
of the driveway I noticed that my neighbor's parents were parked in front of my house. The mom was
crying in the passenger's seat and dabbing her eyes with tissues as the dad unloaded flowers from
their own daughter's funeral. Another child taken before a parent. Never enough time.
Life passes so quickly.
I cried as a I drove away. My heart hurt for them and for us. I knew.
My labs came back the next day. The numbers were there.
Definitely pregnant. But low. Definitely losing life.
And that's when about twelve different emotions go through your body at the same time,
and you're not really sure which one to latch on to... ?! The lies. Oh the lies.
"You're broken. You failed. You did something wrong.
God doesn't love you. He doesn't want you to be happy. Etc etc etc..."
I thought I had no right to be sad. I know others who have lost "older" babies --
"harder" situations -- "greater" suffering. I have three living, healthy, beautiful children.
I have friends who can't conceive at all. Be tough. Be brave. You're fine. Get over it.
I felt empty, disappointed, sad; in shock really. Then tears. Waves of tears coming and going
as powerful and as quickly as life given and taken away again.
But somewhere in the midst of all of that, God came down and rescued me. And His peace and grace
that surpasses all understanding rushed and filled and changed my heart, and I found the courage
to speak OUT LOUD the truths against those lies....
the truth that God sees us all separately in our suffering and that there is no measure for His
compassion and mercy that He pours out on me or you or anyone else. It just is. It's perfect.
And exactly what each of us needs in the time it is given.
FREEDOM!!!!!! Friends!!!! What darkness was sent to lie and bind me, to hold my heart hostage,
was broken by the fierce and magnificent LIGHT of the truth our God brings. He is the Dawn and
I am standing in that warmth with arms open wide delivering our dear Glory baby....
into eternal life!!!!!
She opens her eyes to meet Jesus.
Forever in our hearts.
You are part of our story, little Glory.
We love you and will see you in paradise!!!!
I want to say THANK YOU to all those who have called, sent messages and flowers, or who
have helped with our children. THANK YOU for the real life and virtual hugs. THANK YOU for
loving me and our family and for walking this journey to heaven with us. You know who you are!
It is beautiful. We are blessed. XO.