Monday, October 7, 2013
Taking Back Contentment
I was in a good place when I wrote this post not even 3 weeks ago.
The enemy must have got the memo that I was doing "juuuust fine in contentment-land"
because he sent out an assault in full force.
So here I am; me and my bucket full of tears and "what ifs".
What if we NEVER buy a REAL house? What if we can't have more kids?
What if I could be a farmer and I miss the chance? Don't laugh.
This time of year does something to me.
There are so many happy memories wrapped up in the season of fall.
The autumnal equinox rolls around and it's like BOOM -
memory lane becomes flooded with all kinds of blissful, happy moments followed
by irrational fears with a grand finale of a few good cries. What is that?!
Life is good. MORE than good I would say. My little family has been BEYOND blessed.
But some demon has been whispering to my heart... and I let myself listen for one minute.
One minute. And now I've spent days re-grounding myself and SPEAKING TRUTH
against a spirit of lies.
I spent all of a Saturday, not too long ago, working in my garden and playing with
my kids in the country. No hum of traffic. No sirens. No public eye.
I'm telling you - it's addicting. Alluring.
I meet God in a special way on days like that. All was good... until...
I WANTED a house.
My OWN land for a garden.
To be a farmer ASAP.
Another baby. Chop chop, GOD.
I neeeeeed. I waaaaaaant. What can I do to get it aaaaaall right now?!
My soul was whining. Like a professional three year old.
So all I have is this confession - this real life moment brought to you by
the very human-side of myself. And a resolution to acknowledge my desires,
pray harder for GOD'S will in my life, and kick the aforementioned demon in the butt.
Because the truth is... TODAY is good. I LOVE our way of life right now.
And even though I don't understand why God isn't blessing us with another baby,
a real house, my own garden, etc. etc. right now... I TRUST HIM.
His will and timing is perfect. And I have GOT to stop acting like a small child.
Breathing in Jesus. Breathing out fear.
"Delight yourself in the Lord,
and He will give you the desires of your heart."