I was in a good place when I wrote this post not even 3 weeks ago.
The enemy must have got the memo that I was doing "juuuust fine in contentment-land"
because he sent out an assault in full force.
So here I am; me and my bucket full of tears and "what ifs".
What if we NEVER buy a REAL house? What if we can't have more kids?
What if I could be a farmer and I miss the chance? Don't laugh.
This time of year does something to me.
There are so many happy memories wrapped up in the season of fall.
The autumnal equinox rolls around and it's like BOOM -
memory lane becomes flooded with all kinds of blissful, happy moments followed
by irrational fears with a grand finale of a few good cries. What is that?!
Life is good. MORE than good I would say. My little family has been BEYOND blessed.
But some demon has been whispering to my heart... and I let myself listen for one minute.
One minute. And now I've spent days re-grounding myself and SPEAKING TRUTH
against a spirit of lies.
I spent all of a Saturday, not too long ago, working in my garden and playing with
my kids in the country. No hum of traffic. No sirens. No public eye.
I'm telling you - it's addicting. Alluring.
I meet God in a special way on days like that. All was good... until...
I WANTED a house.
My OWN land for a garden.
To be a farmer ASAP.
Another baby. Chop chop, GOD.
I neeeeeed. I waaaaaaant. What can I do to get it aaaaaall right now?!
My soul was whining. Like a professional three year old.
So all I have is this confession - this real life moment brought to you by
the very human-side of myself. And a resolution to acknowledge my desires,
pray harder for GOD'S will in my life, and kick the aforementioned demon in the butt.
Because the truth is... TODAY is good. I LOVE our way of life right now.
And even though I don't understand why God isn't blessing us with another baby,
a real house, my own garden, etc. etc. right now... I TRUST HIM.
His will and timing is perfect. And I have GOT to stop acting like a small child.
Breathing in Jesus. Breathing out fear.
"Delight yourself in the Lord,
and He will give you the desires of your heart."
-Pslam 37:4
I tend to resemble a professional 3 year old more than I'd like to admit. I struggle with contentment, always looking for the next thing.
ReplyDelete"let us strive to make the present moment B E A U T I F U L." - St. Francis de Sales - that's my mantra... every. single. day. love to you, Miss Katie!! X O
DeleteI let myself be taken over for way more than one minute at a time, so you are doing well!! In our "5 year plan" which we aren't really in the habit of making, are 2 things; a house and a job for mama (6 years of university to become a teacher, and there are like LESS than zero jobs in our province) and we can't seem to get one without the other!! Add to it the fact that even though I have a 3 month old, I look at my little sisters new born and go "ahhh I want another"... and we are really in trouble. My mother told me one time that sometimes people rent homes until their children are out of the house before they ever buy a house. For my husband, thats how it was, so he seems perfectly happy with this little plan of ours, but as a child coming from a family of 8, having lived in the quiet country in a big house my father built, with his massive garden every year, renting someone else's stinkin home doesn't ever seem to make me happy....I pretty much always pull a guilt trip on myself (there are people in the world without homes, Caroline!) in order to get myself out of the mood! However, I know it is just me being selfish, and Ryan and Ethan are doing just fine, and we have sooo many other blessings....but....if you ever want to talk about your dreams of your own home and garden, I am always happy to listen up here in Nova Scotia :)
ReplyDeleteOooh wow! Thanks so much for sharing your heart, Caroline! You are so transparent - it is inspiring. It is such a GIFT to know that we don't walk a lonely road in regards to contentment!!! I hope and pray that all the desires of your heart come to you in God's time! I know He is blessing you now... and will CONTINUE because you are faithful <3
DeleteI could relate to so much of what you just shared. We went through a very long stretch with infertility - 6ish years or so after our son was born. It challenged me to the depths of my core; contentment was often elusive, even on the financial front. Although we own our house, we were extremely financially overextended when we started pursuing medical tests and treatments for the infertility issues - so much that it became a constant source of struggle and anxiety.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a long time and several losses to get to the point where I can say - without meaning it in even the tiniest bit of a trite way - that God is good and I want to trust him. Life with him is not always easy, but it has proved worth it, and I'm thankful he didn't give up on me when I thought about giving up on him.
Thinking of you on your journey toward contentment!
Seeing your testimony here reminds me of so many things... first of all... that I need to CALM down and be more thankful for what I DO have. God's path for each of us is SO unique - so perfectly planned to woo us into His presence - into His kingdom!
DeleteMakes the "details" seem so small.
God is good. And I am glad you can say that! For you. And for me.
Thank you for all your words and thoughts, Heidi!!!! Happy to share the journey with you <3
Girl...the enemy always attacks when all is well and dandy right? Praying for continued contentment!
ReplyDeleteNow if I can just remember to be "on guard!"
DeleteThank you for sharing this with us, your faithful readers. Don't lose sight of what you want in life - and I know you haven't. You show us that you are thankful every day for every thing that you have. Your desires will mean all that much more when you reach your goals. Where do you garden now? And where are the pictures taken with the stair steps and the kitchen table? That place looks so lovely, and is more enriched by your being there even on a part time basis. Thank you for sharing your life! I am humbled each time I read your posts. Kimberly Blackwell
ReplyDeleteI garden at my grandma's house, Kim!!! Which - I am VERY VERY thankful for. This post spewed from a weak moment - and a very human heart. I NEEDED to share this - to be real, raw, and vulnerable with you all. The pictures were taken at my grandma's house. It is such a lovely place filled with special memories.
DeleteYour words are so kind and reassuring... you are the best!!!!
Thank you for sharing your honest heart. I feel like we are having some of the same human moments. I have no doubt that you are going to be blessed with all your hearts desires. You are a wonderful example of a beautiful woman walking with and for God!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it great, Shannon?! Personally, it gives me great comfort to know that I am surrounded by a community of "humans" who have problems, heart aches, joys, and LIFE to live too!!! It's like we are all swimming in the ocean and cheering each other on towards the horizon - towards the great end that awaits us all. I hope to see you in heaven, Shannon!!!! Honored to be "swimming" with you <3
DeleteWell, a positive way to look at it would be:
ReplyDeleteGod's not giving you the house right now so you have time to really save. That way you won't have a ton of debt, and you can get a really nice house.(so many people are struggling with house payments because they didn't have enough saved up.)
Maybe the baby isn't coming now to help you save to get a big house in the country, with room for at least a dozen kids!
Finally, it seems you're getting a lot more out of your current garden than many first time gardeners. Maybe God is putting you in training so that when you start your garden, it will be very fruitful!
By no means am I saying this is God's plan, but when I think of possible reasons for my current situation, it helps me to try to make the most out of it and be more accepting of God's will.
i was nodding my head all the way through this, Maria!!!! we NEVER ever know what is going on BEHIND the scenes when it comes to God. this a great reminder of that.
Deleteit DOES make me want to embrace God's will ALL THE MORE!!! XO
I was just telling my husband last week as we were painting our new house, how it's funny we just bought our first house and exactly a year ago we were living in my parents' house, cramped as could be, a baby on the way, while he made $7.50 an hour, thinking there wasn't going to be a way out, at least not for a looooooong while. And yet, here we are. He has got the timing all planned out. Better yet, He has the plan all planned out! The one lesson that the Lord is always always always teaching me is patience because I down right suck at it. But even when it's hard to live it, I still hold on to the truth that He is faithful and will see us through. Even if we don't get exactly what we want ;)
ReplyDelete