blog like you are dying

At the end of November I went to the bathroom and noticed that I was peeing blood.
How's that for an opening sentence? They teach you all about "hooks" as an English major -
and I've pretty much perfected the art. *serious/not serious face*

Kidney infection. Not a death sentence by any means, but a familiar flag to me. Not again.
I've been round and round with infections for the past four years.
Antibiotic after antibiotic, like it's no big deal. Like it's normal.

Last year, I wrote THIS post and it was ALL true. Four months of a pure diet brought me to a place of
SO MUCH healing. I did not get sick for over a year, some of my allergies even went away...

and then I got cocky with my diet.

Braving sugars, processed foods, dairy and even... *gasp* wheat on occasions. A slow suicide really.
The truth is, it didn't seem to have major effects on me. Thinking everything was as fine as picnics
on the lawn and fourth of July fireworks, I ran straight back into the arms of the American diet

only to be betrayed.

I seriously felt like a crazy person living in the United States of high fructose corn syrup.
EVERYONE drinks pop. EVERYONE eats ice-cream. EVERYONE EVERYONE EVERYONE.
I feared that I had imagined or over-thought some of our health/diet decisions...

It felt like the hippy in me was a little too happy for it's own good or something.

I wanted to blend in; eat crepes at the Farmer's Market like everyone else
and not have to pack food for my family wherever we went.

People pleaser right here. Herd lover. Crowd surfer.

CURRENT STATUS: undergoing a serious conversion


I saw a nutritionist who ran a lot of "not your typical" lab work.
He wiped my blood on a slide, turned on his microscope and asked me to come take a look.
First, HOW COOL?! Second, I cried.

He pointed out everything to me. Like the curator of a museum, he gave me a tour of my body via
my blood. I saw the bright, celestial-like white blood cells - all perfectly formed, in line, in check.
Hundreds of healthy red blood cells going about their daily route. Made sense why all my blood
work comes back "normal."

And then I saw the inflammation. The warning signs. The flags.
Danger - you are STILL consuming or being exposed to material that is breaking down your body.
Reaction. My blood was reacting.

We talked about auto-immune disorders that day. We talked about multiple-sclerosis.
I don't have a definite diagnosis at this point, but it doesn't matter. What I DO have
are the makings of a serious disorder that plagues my body EVEN NOW.

Various allergies, infertility, repeat infections, anxiety, panic attacks, and the rashes...

"My body is breaking," I sobbed one night in bed.
Ok, I cried every day at some point for a month straight.

It felt, still feels, like a kind of death. A death to a way of life that I am so used to
living. Giving up the American diet for good - and certain products that flare up my symptoms
seems so heavy at times. I drive past McDonald's (which is something I didn't even eat BEFORE
I had issues!) and find my bottom lip quivering because I can't get in that glorious drive-thru
like everyone else and order a number "give me a heart attack" with a diet Coke!

I think the most overused hashtag of 2013 was #firstworldproblems...
but I'm going to use it again right now. Because it's applicable. And I'm pathetic.

There are hundreds of thousands of people around the world who would feel so blessed to be eating
clean meats, vegetables, nuts, grains, fruits, distilled water...
and I'm crying because I can't go to Dairy Queen.

I have a love/hate relationship with perspective.

In the middle of all that was spinning out of control with my health in the past 6 weeks,
I was asked two questions that stopped me in my tracks.

One: "If you knew 100,000 people were going to read your blog tomorrow, what would you say?"

Two: "If you were going to die from all of this, what would you tell your audience?"

Things around here are going to look a little different as this year unfolds.
Please bear with me when days pass by and I cannot post. The diet/lifestyle change
requires more of my time in the kitchen than ever before - at least for now. I'm sure once
I get the hang of this I'll be chopping veggies in my sleep. Or get a private chef. Either or.
Uhhh and yea... the changes have fun with my body and create all kinds of nice side effects.
I'll leave you to your imagination.

Come 100,000 people or my death - I know what I would say.

Welcome to The Lily Field 2014.