Tuesday, February 18, 2014


Sometimes I get confused and wonder if I signed up for PARENTHOOD or MILITARY TRAINING.
Let's start with sleep deprivation. Yea. Usually accompanied with spontaneous
screaming and demands to bounce, sway, rock, sing ALL AT THE SAME.
With eyes glazed over, you better stay AWAKE!

Occasional starvation periods.
Those times when it's either "feed them" or "feed myself", you know?
Sometimes I wish I had MREs too.

Public outings. Try being as stealth as possible with two, three, four toddlers in tow.
Oh we WANT to be stealth, but sometimes you have to roll with the operation:
kid going overboard - out of cart, running down aisle, hooting and hollering like
they've never left the house before. Retrieve said toddler. Mission accomplished.
But not really. It's never fully accomplished. They run these drills on repeat!

And then there are the mind games. They tell you that they want something and then cry
when you give it to them. Or they cry and say "no" to every effort to help.
Or they say they want the red popsicle, but when you bring the RED popsicle -
they all of a sudden remember they want the BLUE popsicle...
and Lord, help us all!

If you stick to your guns and make them eat the RED one - there's a 50/50 chance
that they will either cry through the whole thing or make YOU suffer from the sugar rush.
Either or. It's not good. I dub us all "Captain Parent of the Year".

Nathan: "Dude, what are you eating?!"
Judah: "Ants."
Nathan: "For real, Judah?"
Judah: "I wuv ants."
We will never know.

Me: "Judah, staaaaaay on the rug with your boots!"
Judah: *gallivanting OFF the rug*
Me: "How many times do I have to repeat myself?!"
Judah: "How many times do I have to PEE myself?!"
Me: "Repeat."
Isaiah: "You make her pee herself, Judah!"
Judah: "Yea yea yea... pee herself!!!"
Isaiah: "Momma pees herself!"
Judah: "How many times do I have to peeeee myself?! BAHAHAHA!"

The other day I actually HID from my children to eat my lunch in peace.
I was hunkered down on the side of my bed - praying that I had deterred the enemy.
I just needed 5 minutes to NOT SHARE my food. It gets better. When Isaiah and Judah did find me,
I then hid my FOOD under the bed and fielded their questions with lies...

Isaiah: "What are you doing, momma?"
Judah: "Yea, she's hiiiiiiding!!!"
Momma: "I'm having QUIET TIME."
Isaiah: "Are you eating in here?"
Momma: "Not anymore."
Isaiah: "Food stays in the kitchen."
Don't you love it when your kids repeat such gems of wisdom back in your face?!

Isaiah: "Dad, there's something brown under the table."
Nathan: "Don't eat it. It might be poop."
Like that never happens in our house.

Isaiah: "We're going to the craft store!"
Judah: "Crap store?"
Me: "Hobby Lobby, buddy. The crrrraaaaaft store."
Judah: "Oh, I wuv crap stores."
Isaiah: "Craft store, Judah."
Judah: "I wuv crap."
Judah:"Oh craaaaaap."

Nathan: "Buddy, you can't hurt your brother."
Nathan: "Do you understand?"
Isaiah: *eyes fixed, jaw clinched*
Nathan: "Buddy?"
Nathan: "That's scary, dude."
Isaiah: "I'm a dragon, blowing fire. I'm burning yooooooou!!!!"

Me: "Eat your lunch, Judah."
Judah: "My name is NOT Judah."
Me: "Yes it is."
Judah: "Don't call me JUUUUUUDAH!"
Me: "What should I call you?"
Judah: "Puss. In. Boots."

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