Sometimes I fear that I do NOT trust God enough to spend time with Him.
As if taking time out of my day, my routine, my plans to commune with the God
who holds not just the whole world, but my world, in His hands is going to hurt me.
He's omnipotent, all powerful - and I'm all like, "Yea, whatever."
Not out of stereotypical teenage disrespect, but as a skeptic's challenge:
"For real? Are you sure?"
received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's
feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving; and she went
to him and said, 'Lord, do you now care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her
then to help me.' But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled
about many things; one thing is needful. Mary has chose the good portion,
which shall not be taken away from her.'" - Luke 10:38-42
Note: Jesus said her name TWO times - "Martha, Martha..." He means business, missy.
Like Martha I find myself running in circles, anxious, busy-busy-busy doing all
the things, but the one thing that brings joy and peace into my life: communion.
It usually doesn't turn out too well either.
Patience unwinding like a hellish bobbin, anxiety moving from the back burner
to stage front, words - unguarded, unchecked - bubbling over from unresolved issues,
fear, scars from wounds I thought were healed. The soul can be a real hot mess.
So often I know that I claim to be doing things for the Kingdom - sincerely intending
to get it right, for God and all. But the truth is, how can I be so sure I am doing
His work when I don't trust Him enough to even stop and ask Him?
Hands down, my worst fear - it's not a plane full of snakes or the idea of being
stuck in a bathtub full of human hair - it's fearing that after all of this, this whole
life deal, I'm going to die and one of two things is going to happen...
1.) God doesn't want me.
2.) It was all a big joke.
Just because I'm a Christian does not mean I have my whole Jesus act together.
Every day is a work in progress. Getting over myself to get into Him. It's messy,
tearful, raw - not exactly Sunday school on the lawn or the high of being freshly
lathered in the chrism oil of confirmation. You guys, it's ugly.
An unending process of being broken, humbled, mortified, refined,
picked up again, and blown into a beautiful new creation of a vessel.
And why, why, why in the world would God care to take the time to work
with something so undone, obnoxiously full of herself, and spinning out of control?
Like a good Christian puppet I'll say, "LOVE." And like the human I am, I'll say "LOVE"
100x's tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that - over and over again to let the words
sink into my brain and drain into my heart.
"She chose the good portion..."
And that's the key: CHOOSING- every moment of every day to give to God -
having the trust, the courage to meet Him in prayer, communion, and fully believe
with all my heart: "I AM WANTED. THIS IS NO JOKE."
I am loved. We are loved. Nothing to laugh about there.