Wednesday, February 26, 2014

When it feels like God doesn't want you...

Sometimes I fear that I do NOT trust God enough to spend time with Him.
As if taking time out of my day, my routine, my plans to commune with the God
who holds not just the whole world, but my world, in His hands is going to hurt me.

He's omnipotent, all powerful - and I'm all like, "Yea, whatever."
Not out of stereotypical teenage disrespect, but as a skeptic's challenge:
"For real? Are you sure?"

"Now as they went on their way, he entered a village; and a woman named Martha
received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's
feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving; and she went
to him and said, 'Lord, do you now care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her
then to help me.'
But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled
about many things; one thing is needful. Mary has chose the good portion,
which shall not be taken away from her.'
" - Luke 10:38-42

Note: Jesus said her name TWO times - "Martha, Martha..." He means business, missy.

Like Martha I find myself running in circles, anxious, busy-busy-busy doing all
the things, but the one thing that brings joy and peace into my life: communion.

It usually doesn't turn out too well either.

Patience unwinding like a hellish bobbin, anxiety moving from the back burner
to stage front, words - unguarded, unchecked - bubbling over from unresolved issues,
fear, scars from wounds I thought were healed. The soul can be a real hot mess.

So often I know that I claim to be doing things for the Kingdom - sincerely intending
to get it right, for God and all. But the truth is, how can I be so sure I am doing
His work when I don't trust Him enough to even stop and ask Him?

Hands down, my worst fear - it's not a plane full of snakes or the idea of being
stuck in a bathtub full of human hair - it's fearing that after all of this, this whole
life deal, I'm going to die and one of two things is going to happen...

1.) God doesn't want me.

2.) It was all a big joke.

Just because I'm a Christian does not mean I have my whole Jesus act together.
Every day is a work in progress. Getting over myself to get into Him. It's messy,
tearful, raw - not exactly Sunday school on the lawn or the high of being freshly
lathered in the chrism oil of confirmation. You guys, it's ugly.

An unending process of being broken, humbled, mortified, refined,
picked up again, and blown into a beautiful new creation of a vessel.
And why, why, why in the world would God care to take the time to work
with something so undone, obnoxiously full of herself, and spinning out of control?

Like a good Christian puppet I'll say, "LOVE." And like the human I am, I'll say "LOVE"
100x's tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that - over and over again to let the words
sink into my brain and drain into my heart.

"She chose the good portion..."

And that's the key: CHOOSING- every moment of every day to give to God -
having the trust, the courage to meet Him in prayer, communion, and fully believe
with all my heart: "I AM WANTED. THIS IS NO JOKE."

I am loved. We are loved. Nothing to laugh about there.

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  1. Thanks for the reminder. I've been feeling "too busy" lately, and your reminder that I'm pretending like taking time out of MY schedule to spend time with ALL POWERFUL God could somehow be detrimental... it is well timed!

    1. That's awesome, Mariah! I am totally in the same boat. This message has been mulled over, again and again, in my heart and mind for the past couple of weeks. Sometimes I just shake my head and laugh at how much He loves us... and puts up with!!! He's a good God - let's keep Him?!

  2. It is so much harder to sit and feel the peace like Mary. And you're right it is no joke! Great post :)

    1. I know I know I know. Balance, right?! I think it's especially difficult in such a fast-paced "anti-Mary" world. Thanks for reading! Be blessed today XO

  3. Oh, Brittany. I so get this. I believe so strongly in the sovereignty of God and the might of God and the sacrifice of Jesus and the coming of the Holy Spirit but I forget all about the heart of God. The heart that wants small, hot mess me, for real, no joke. I forget that choosing communion with Him and choosing to trust Him is small me handing my tiny paper heart into His great and mighty hand, trusting not only that He will not break it needlessly but that He will reshape it and mold it into a heart that beats after His, that He might be glorified. I know it in my head, but it's the vulnerability of actively trusting and communing with Him that trips me up every time.

    1. It's sooooo human. And soooo good, Annie. I think the struggle is what keeps up reaching out to Him, ya know? If we thought in our minds that we had it "perfect" - then would we stop trying to find that communion? I don't know - but I've thought about it. Sometimes the "cross" of "getting over ourselves to get into HIM" - is a HUGE BLESSING in our lives!!!! Such beautiful thoughts, friends. Thanks for sharing your heart here <3 XO

  4. "It was not you who chose Me but I who chose you," Brittany...

    I was moved by your post. Recently praying with "What do you seek?" Jesus says that to Andrew and (probably) John in John Chapter 1. I bet they were puzzled. "I don't know" probably didn't sound right so they said "Well...'Where are you staying?' Because I know you have what I need but I don't know what that is." 'Then they went and saw where He abode and they stayed with Him that day.' I think Jesus stayed/remained/abode in His Father's Heart (and His Mother's Heart, who shows up in the next chapter at the wedding) and staying in the love of His Father was exactly what He wanted/needed but what child knows what to call that? John of the Cross searched for "I-don't-know-what" I believe and God is, after all, unutterable and silent (He's spoken His Word already) and "No one comes to Me unless the Father draws him." I did not choose this first, He did. I am chosen. Every child is chosen by his mom and dad. That's the right choice. To say yes to the child. Otherwise how can one enter the Kingdom of Heaven and abide there which is already "among us" since we are surrounded by the silent love of a Father Who speaks His Word to us in order to beckon us home (which is where Jesus abode.) O Brittany!

    1. And now I'll move to a remote mountain location and be a hermit for the rest of my life... with Nathan... and Isaiah... and Judah of course. Lol. All those hours in adoration are seriously wearing off on you and floating right over the ocean back into my heart!!! I'm so glad you shared this. It's so beautiful what different souls see, feel, realize... relationships with God are SO vast, endlessly deep.... good thing there is HEAVEN!!! O MATTMAN.

  5. I imagine Jesus saying "Martha" gentle and sweet at first. And she's so busy scurrying about that she can't hear him. So the second time he comes closer to her, looks her in the eyes and says, "Martha" -still gentle and sweet, but this time demanding. Begging her to break from her busy to put her eyes on Him. And, then I think, He's probably ALWAYS doing that to me but sometimes I just ignore that second calling of my name. Me CHOOSING not to listen, not to hear, not to focus and instead keeping at the busy work at hand. And now it's time to choose different, to stop rush, rush, rushing and start choosing stillness and peace in Him.

    1. This. This made me cry a little. The way you see Jesus calling out to her... approaching her softly when she doesn't respond... GIVES ME CHILLS. How gentle and loving our God is. How tuned in He is to the needs and desires of each of His children. I'm just shaking my head now. Beautiful "light" my friend!!! XO

  6. This was good stuff. I think the fact that you are hungry for more shows he is real in your life.

    1. Thank you, Christina -

      Definitely hungry, eager for more more more of Him!!! And less of me. So much more less of me. It's a daily battle. But glory to God that He is in the business of winning battles for His children! It may take a lifetime, but I have a lifetime to give!!!


Thanks for leaving some comment love! I enjoy hearing what you have to say... and others do too! XO