Our Ocean Adventure

Last month we loaded up the van and hit the road! Traveling in a 5X10 foot space with three children
six and under is not for the feint of heart. Sixteen and a half hours later we were all laugh-crying
ourselves out of the sardine can on wheels and kissing the pavement triumphantly....

we arrived in North Carolina!!!

You wanna know the first thing I saw? A COCKROACH as big as my head.
#holdme

The drive actually wasn't bad. We brought so many snacks. Like so many. And an entire SEASON of
Curious George which was promptly ingrained into our brains. We also stopped at Chick-fil-a and
let them drink root beer and run off energy in the germ-infested play place. Parents of the year!!!
Yea. We like to live it up around here!!!

If you're looking for travel tips -- that's my best stuff, you guys. Gold.

Seriously though -- no lie -- my kids are awesome and traveled so well; all things considered!!

Anyway. It was amazing to visit my sister, Nellie, and her little family!!! We stayed at their house
for a few days before we headed to the beach --- where we rented these little houses that made us
next door neighbors for the first time in our lives! It was magical. 300 feet from the ocean. Maybe?!

You could hear the waves. See the view from bed. I would have been ok moving in. Let's just stay.
We would walk over this little boardwalk and BAM: the Atlantic Ocean!!!

Everyone had so much fun playing, eating, beaching, napping together!!!
I love the cousins together! Makes me happy.

Our kids learned to boogie board. Heck, even I learned to boogie board! The ocean actually
ripped my swimsuit off down to my waist and I lost the house key (that was tucked in said swimsuit).
It was epic. Very liberating experience.

I will always remember the LAUGHTER of Bella when she met the waves for the first time.
The JOY on Zay's face when he would catch a ride on his board.
And the ENERGY that is Judah, "Today is a good day to surf, mom." -- with that hair of his!
I can't even. Lol.

We took home suntans as souvenirs.... and buckets full of shells that smell like rotting crabs???!
I make the boys keep them out of the house. Except for the ones we made into merman necklaces....

So radically cool, dude.

Love my people and my sister and her family!!!
Glad we could share an ocean adventure together!!!
Take me baaaaaack!!!

Have Mercy

I just want you all to know that I am perfect. In case there was any confusion. Just open the dictionary to perfection and there won't even be a definition. Just my face.

THAT IS A JOKE.

Ok for real, life has its highs and lows. One minute I feel like a freakin' rock star and the next I am the hottest mess you've ever seen. And when I say "hottest", I am not talking about Miss America status. I'm talking knee deep in crazy town, people.

But if there is one thing I am learning in this season of my life is that GRACE upon GRACE upon GRACE is absolutely required and zero-negotiable. It literally takes an act of the will for me -- to pep talk myself into CHOOSING to have mercy on myself, my husband, my kids, my to-do list, my business, my housework, my homeschool plans. It helps if I imagine Uncle Jesse saying it to me, "Haaave mercy." Then I forget my name, what I was doing....

image credit
...seeeeeee!? Everything is all better. Lol. Just kidding, Nathan.

Last week I thought I had a babysitter for the kids for my annual appointment to the OB-GYN. But no, that fell through and I was hauling three children into the doctor's office like a boss -- tossing out snacks and taking names of any ruffians. AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER, the doc finally comes in and my kids latch onto him: FRESH MEAT.

I immediately throw out a disclaimer,
"Well, everyone WAS being well-behaved.... up until about an hour ago?!"

He says, "It's ok, we will do this quickly so you can be on your way!"

Quickly?

Nothing should be happening "quickly" in regards to this appointment.
If you know what I mean.

All my kids are waiting with the receptionist and I can hear Bella's voice growing in panic...
"Momma? MOMMA! MOOOOOOMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"


I should have just waited until the next time I get pregnant. That's totally a thing right?! Skipping annuals and just waiting for the next kid to check out the whole sha-bang? Sigh. I can't wait to grow up and just know these things.

As I am hauling my crew out of the exam room, the receptionist asks me,
"Should I put you down for a year from now?"

Seriously? #holdme

So we load in the van and head to the grocery store. Because that's the smartest thing to do after spending close to two hours in a gyno's office with three children under the age of six and having your cervix poked at with a "Mom, his Qtips are the biggest ones I have ever seen!"

Flash forward. Halfway down the interstate, with Chicago traffic cruising at an easy 80-90mph -- switching lanes and skipping blinkers like it's their JOB-- I feel the gas pedal pressure change and we start losing speed.

My heart is racing, but the Holy Spirit came down and literally cleared a path for us to crawl across three lanes... and as I barely make it to the curb every light on the front panel goes on and I realize I am BEYOND BELOW EMPTY. Out of gas. How does this happen to me?!

I call my husband who is an easy 90 miles from my location at this point. No answer. I call my dad. He's out of state. Call Nathan again. No answer. John Stamos?! Jk. It's hot outside and the AC doesn't work without gasoline and I am seriously thinking, "We could easily be side swiped in this crazy traffic."

And my kids are like, "SIDESWIPE?!?!?! Like the Transformer?!?!?"

I call a friend who is the nearest to my location. No answer.

Welcome to your new home, kids. The interstate. No joke, they thought it was an amazing adventure and not one of them moaned or complained a peep. I, on the other hand, fought back tears for over an hour.... waiting on my friend's husband (she ended up texting me!!!) to save me.

I tried to pay him. But he told me to read my kids the story of the Good Samaritan as a bedtime story and that he was happy to be able to serve me and Christ today.

WHAT?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?

You guys, we have been blessed with the best of friends.

I'm telling my husband this -- literally shaking my head,
"WHY is God crushing me with so much grace lately?"

My friend and her husband and Jesus.... had mercy and grace for me and I'm literally standing on the side of the road beating myself up.

I got back in my vehicle and made the decision in that moment to take the boxing gloves off. To just receive the moments rather than come at them swinging. Because even when it feels like everything in the world is out to get me -- there is a GOOD, GOOD Father who is standing between all of that for me if I would just open my eyes and take in the grace.

And HE is perfect.


And because I am NOT, this little note now hangs from my rearview mirror.
It's a good question on all levels. Don't you agree?!

Childrenisms

I do some pretty awesome things when my husband is working all day. *pats self on back*
Recently, I managed to rearrange all of our living room furniture -- which included shoving
a very hefty loveseat down our hallway and into our master bedroom. When he finally got home
to the "surprise", I equated the whole moving the couch into the master bedroom scenario to

"giving birth".

I told him, "You must LOVE it! I birthed that couch for us!" Lol.

Disturbing imagery, I know. But I think it highlights the creative labor I put forth
to make my our interior design dreams come true.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is my children. I did truly birth them.
Do you know the other day while I was shopping at Whole Foods (because this would only happen at
Whole Foods) a very energetic, normal-looking woman chased me down the aisle waving and smiling....

Stranger: "Yoohoo! You have two boys and a girl!
You MUST tell me what you DID to get a girl!"

And I'm thinking, clearly she knows 'what to do'.

But no, this lady wants legitimate tips on conceiving a girl. Like down to vaginal pH
and ovulation theories. And I'm just here for fermented pickles, not a fertility lesson!

This "stranger" was suddenly becoming my new BFF. I mean I don't just talk about mucus patterns
with anyone. Oh my gosh this REALLY happened. But then she just said, "We have the three boys,
and I just don't know if I can do one more pregnancy... and not get a girl!"

To which I consoled her with really not consoling news at all, "Well, I really hope we can
have a few more! They are just awesome -- no matter what!!!"

Her whole face changed. But not in a bad way. She THANKED me.

Stranger now BFF: "It's so relieving to hear you say that! I don't want to feel
alone in this! And I think big families are great!

And I'm just standing there like, "What just happened?!"
I hope you name your child, Brittany Awesome, dear lady. Ha.
#cultureoflife #missionwhereyoustand


But I concur.

Big families are awesome, and I just love doing life with these people God gave me --
they make everything so fun...ny.


Me: "How did you get so good at drawing dinosaurs?"
Judah: "Well, I waited 100 years... and then I could just do it!"
Me: "But you're only 4 years old."
Judah: "Well, ok so 4 years..."
Me: "Gotcha."


Isaiah: "Mom, are you making dinner or eating cookies again?"
Me:

Isaiah: "Mom, how much do pets cost?"
Me: "Well, it depends on what you want to buy. Like a pet fish would cost about $3."
Isaiah: "I was thinking T-REX."
Me: "Buddy, dinosaurs are not alive anymore."
Isaiah: "What! Are you kidding me?"


Me: "How many pieces of candy did you eat?"
Judah: "ONE!"
Me: "Then why are there NINE wrappers in your bedroom?"
Isaiah: "Well, we EACH had one."
Me: "Well, there's only TWO of you!"
Isaiah:
Judah:

Judah: "I love you!"
Me: "YEA?! Why do you love me?"
Judah: "Because you're a good cooker and picker upper. You also know a lot about oils."


Me: "Why do we eat vegetables?"
Judah: "I only eat carrots."
Isaiah: "OOH OOH OH!! So we are not constipated!!!!"
Judah: "That is not right."

Me: "You guys, please be quiet, I am tutoring Anna."
Isaiah: "Toot-er."
Judah: "YEA! Toot!"
Both: "TOOTER ANNA!!!!!"
#minions


Judah: "What can we call this hammer?"
Me: "Knuckle Sandwich?"
Judah: "How about AWESOME? Rock Star? Or Punk?"
Me: "Whaaaaa?"
Judah: "Or sponge."

Bella: *screaming* *throwing things from purse*
Me: "Would you like some water?"
Bella: "NO!"
Me: "Would you like a snack?"
Bella: "NO!"
Me:
Bella: "MONEY!!!!!!!"

Childrenisms

Yesterday the one and only toilet in our house was clogged. I had been working on it
off and on for about an hour when I finally gave up to go make lunch. So I shut the bathroom
door tightly and walked away. Two seconds later I hear said toilet flushing, gushing Niagara Falls
all over the floor, rugs, streaming straight for the hallway. It was as awful as it sounds.

I'm grabbing towels and throwing down like Olivia and her comments on The Bachelor.
Watch out. Judah walks by real casually like he's on vacation or something and is like,
"Hey mom! Why is there CHOCOLATE all over the bathroom?" Chocolate?!
I wish it was CHOCOLATE.

As I shove two cookies in my mouth to help cope with the situation.

People are all like, "THREE is SO hard. FOUR is SO easy." And I'm thinking maybe we should just go
straight for another baby here and end this crazy time! But then I think, "No, this has got to be some
Parents of Four initiation trick." They all sit back as they watch our announcement come up on Facebook, "Suuuuuckers."


I'm not pregnant by the way.

But we would seriously love that though!!! Being outnumbered doesn't scare us.
I mean we're training our people, ya know? Raise 'em up just like Keith Urban says.


Judah: "You're underwear is like Halloween."
Me: "What does that even mean?"
Judah: "It means it is scary."

Nathan: "The faces of the angels glow!"
Isaiah: "Yea, like momma's face when she looks at her cell phone!"

Me: "I just need everyone to be quiet for a minute!"
Isaiah: "What does that even meeeeeean?"


Me: "Judah, don't touch your behind while going to the bathroom."
Judah: "Mom, there is NOT a bee on my back. It's called a BUTT."
Me:

Me: "Do I have a job?"
Judah: "Yea all you do is switch the laundry."
Me: "That's all I do?"
Judah:


Me: "Do know how hold momma is?"
Isaiah: "Uh 100?"

Nathan: "Judah, do you want some veggies for breakfast?"
Judah: "I LOVE CELERY!"
Me: "Seriously? I'll get you some."
Judah: "Wait... I think I meant CEREAL."


After not letting Isaiah buy a pair of panty hose from the second hand store he sighed,
"This is the WORST day of my life."


Solidarity, folks.
Bring it in.
On three,
"GO PARENTS!"



go. parents.

Childrenisms

A few months ago we started "paying" our kids for little odd jobs they volunteered to do
around house. I'm talking 10 cents for picking up the living room - they are like Merry Maids
or something, but WAY cuter and so affordable! Ha. 25 cents for helping Nathan change the piping
under the bathroom sink. You get the picture. Just a way to start teaching them the
concept of working, getting paid, tithing, saving, splurging, etc.

Our oldest is ALL OVER THIS. All day long I have to make up jobs to keep the kid satisfied.
They don't pay me enough. If it's possible, I'd say our 4 year old is a work-aholic and needs to take some PTO for the sake of momma's brain. And then he counts his money at night (he really is naturally
so diligent and I'm proud of him!) and proceeds to spend the next day begging me to let him buy the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure, Leonardo, that he just has to have or he's going to diiiiiiie.

Priorities.

If I had a dollar for every TMNT comment, I would have made at least 50 bucks yesterday.
No joke. His excitement is too adorable to squelch. We actually gifted him that coveted hero in a
half shell today in honor of his 1/2 birthday. He kept scream-chirping with the kind of excitement
that makes you want to be little again.

And then today I told the kids that we need to purge the toys because-- Christmas.
Because-- Grandmas and grandpas can't control themselves.

Me: "Let's pack up some of our older toys that we don't play with anymore and give them
to some kids who don't have any toys this Christmas."

Judah: "Mom mom mom... listen. If we give away our toys to the poor kids then WE won't
have any toys either!"

Wouldn't you love to get inside of their heads? See how they process things?
Because apparently "let's donate a FEW toys" equals "I'll have NOTHING" to my 3 year old.

He spent the better part of this morning wailing at the idea of us donating a Fischer Price
helicopter that he hasn't even SEEN or PLAYED WITH since he was 2. And the brief moment that
he thought I was giving away his blanket?! Mom is the Grinch, and my life is over.

But deep breaths, everybody. The blanket is secure with him in his bed for naptime.
For the record: I would NEVER, unless for a VERY good reason, get rid of that childhood token.
Avoiding that "worst mother of the year" title again this month. Booya.

Formation is hard. I'm pretty sure my stay-at-home-mom-job is way harder than my husband's
"I'm going to lunch sans children with a bunch of work buddies" gig he's got going! *wink*


Judah: "I peed! I peed! I peeeeeed my paaaaaaants!"
Me: "Bud, that's just apple juice."
Judah: **bends over and sniffs his own crotch** -- "that is DEFINITELY pee, mom."



Isaiah: "Can I see my first home?" (my tummy - the womb)
Me: "Um sure."
**Isaiah and Judah begin laughing hysterically.**
Me: "Hey, you have a tummy too!"
Isaiah: "Yea, mine is FLAT."
Me: **oh no he didn't**

Me: "We need to go to Costco."
Isaiah: "Mom, I don't have time for this."


Judah: "Will you fill up my water bottle?
Nathan: "I'll think about it."
Judah: "You'll THINK about it?"
Nathan: "I'll fill it up. Jaaaaay kaaaaay (JK)."
Judah: "JK? L-M-N-O-P?"

Me: "Bella is SO yummy."
Judah: "Like a burger."
Me: "Is momma yummy?"
Judah: "Like a HAM-burger."
Me: "How about Isaiah?"
Judah: "Like a NERD."


Geography is going so well...
Me: "Where do we live?"
Judah: "America. CAPTAIN America. It's the same thing.
Me: "Ooookay. Can you say 'CHICAGO'?"
Isaiah: "Yea yea yea we live in Chicago. Chicago BEARS! It's the same thing."

Me: "What would you like to be when you grow up?"
Isaiah: "A papa." MELT YOUR HEART.
Judah: "A chair."
Me: "No, like a JOB, Judah?"
Judah: "Yea. A CHAIR."
#dreambig

And then there's Bella. She doesn't say much. Yet.

Childrenisms

My wonderful husband keeps telling me every day, "You're doing great! You're an awesome
momma! So proud of you. Thanks for carrying our babies!" And I just look at him and wonder
if I should tell him about the 3,242 times I lost my temper that day or the fact that I had
Jake and the Neverland Pirates babysit the kids while I took a shower, read a magazine,
"liked" all my friends' pictures on Instagram. Naaaah, right?

I am 41 weeks pregnant, but not an excuse. I just want to eat, sleep, and watch T.V. And by
"eat" I mean 3 or 4 Reese's snack cups and a bowl of ice cream. Oh my thighs are loving it and
my sinuses are all like, "Stop being stupid, woman!" Love and war. Love. And. War.

I feel like we're just "surviving" right now, and I'm trying to embrace that. I don't like
to have GRACE on myself. Makes me feel weak. Jesus is all like, "I forgive you!" and
I'm like, "NO DON'T!" Let me suuuuuuuffer. But it is moments like these - moments of
weariness, exhaustion, frustration, anxiety, and "oh hey you've gained 55 pounds in 9 months"
that I need it most... GRACE, MERCY, FORGIVENESS. Heal me, Jesus?

And I mean that with all my heart.

The other day I caught my hand in the van door and let out a whispery "damn it" that
I was sure my kids could not have possibly heard. I climbed in the driver's seat, in a
glorious fluster, and Isaiah pipes up,

"Did you say damn it?"

**deer in headlights**

Me: "Ummmm. Man. Yes, I did.
Judah: "Jeeeeesus doesn't like iiiiiit!"
Me: "I know, buddy. You are right. Momma's sorry."
Isaiah: "No, you need to tell JESUS you are sorry RIGHT NOW!"


So crushing. In the best way.
I think it's safe to say that it's a two-way street around here. My flaws, failings, short-comings
are obviously sharpening my children into little saints, and they are molding me, reminding me about
all the things I so desperately long for and need: GRACE, MERCY, FORGIVENESS...

aaaaaand language filters.

Judah: "Mom, there is a check cereal on the floor."
Me: "You mean a Chex?"
Judah: "No, I mean ONE check not TWO Chex!"

Me: "I'm going to go take a nap, do you want to come with me?"
Isaiah: "You taking a nap because your butt hurts?"
Me: "Um no - because I'm tired."
Isaiah: "Yea because your butt crack hurts!"
Me:


Judah: "Did you just flush the toilet?"
Me: "Yea, why?"
Judah: "That was MY poop. Not YOUR poop. Did you poop?! NO!"

Me: "Judah, please clean up the blocks."
Judah: "But I want to play!"
Me: "Look, it's time to take a bath."
Judah: "Look, you need to change your mind!"

Judah: "Hurry hurry hurry I have to peeeeeeeee!"
Me: "I'm coming to help you! Hang on."
Judah: "If you would have come sooner I wouldn't have peed a little in my pants!"
Me: "So this is my fault?"
Judah: "YES."


Me: "What do you want for breakfast?"
Judah: "Candy."
Me: "No."
Isaiah: "Chocolate."
Me: "No."
Judah: "Ok. A hot dog with French fries - NO BUN!"
Me: "Oatmeal it is."
**RIOTING ENSUES**


Me: "When is the baby coming?"
Isaiah: "In fiiiiiiive minutes!"
Me: "If only."

Childrenisms

Drama drama drama. I don't care who says what - boys are just as dramatic, if not worse,
than girls. I mean seriously, the other day Isaiah skinned his knee ever-so-slightly at the splash pad
and absolutely refused to be consoled or coaxed into playing in the water. FOR AN HOUR.
I texted my husband to tell him about my cheerful afternoon with our 4 year old,

and he responds with: "poor kid."

Poor kid?! Poor momma. This kind of drama could drive a parent to drink.
And I'm not talking about sparkling grape juice from a sippy cup either.

Judah, our almost 3 year old, goes back and forth between using a tiny, baby voice and a
man voice. And when I say "man voice" - think post puberty. It's deep and usually accompanied
with a bloated chest and hands on the hips. I'd love to know his source of inspiration.

Not too long ago he was giving Nathan the fake cry with a heavy side of the "boo boo" lip.
Nathan just shook his head and gave him the "boo boo" lip right back...

Judah: "Is that what we do when people are SAD!?!"
Nathan:
Judah: "NO!!! It's NOT!"

I love these moments in our history of being parents. Nathan and I just looked at each other
knowing that we were both trying our hardest not to burst into hysterical laughter at the
antics of this child. Solidarity, folks. Parenthood is where it's at.


Me: "Guys, don't put the play-doh in your mouth. It has wheat in it."
Judah: "Whaaaaa?! You mean it's not gluten-free?!"

Isaiah: "Mom, we're just drinking the paint water."
Me: "WHAT?! NO! That's disgusting."
Judah: "But we liiiiiiike it!"
Me:

Nathan: "What's up my peeps!?"
Judah: "I am NOT a pee pee."
Nathan: "No, I said PEEPS."
Judah: "Oh. I'm still not a pee."
Nathan: "Buddy. Peeps - like PEOPLE!"
Judah: "Well, I am a boy."


Judah, holding up a puzzle piece, quizzing Isaiah...
"What's this one, buddy?"
Isaiah: "Um. A coxapuss?"
Me: "We need to practice saying OCTOPUS. Right now.

Isaiah: "When you die, will mom be a mermaid?"
Nathan: "No. No, she will be a widow."
Isaiah: "Ooooooh that's right. Not a mermaid?"


Judah: "Is it taco night?"
Me: "No, it's gyro night - we're having lamb."
Judah: "Like, Mary had a wittle wamb?"
Me: "Yea."
Judah: "Like, I'm Jesus' wittle wamb?"
Me: "Oh boy."
Hashtag: how vegetarians are made.


Here's a little conversation I had with my 3 year old niece...
Zoey: "Aunt Birdy, is there poop in your belly?"
Brittany: "No, that would be a baby."

Me: "Guys, we're leaving. I need to swing by Starbucks and get some mint tea."
Isaiah: "And I want a decaf."
Me:
Isaiah: "But I love decaf, mom!"


Judah: "When I grow up and become a monkey..."
Nathan:
Judah: "Yea, I'm going to be a monkey."

Eat Your Pizza If You Want To Ride A Pony

Two sisters. Both pregnant. Sans husbands (apparently they "work" or something).
4 children under the age of 4. One mini van. One hotel room. Road trip to Iowa? No problem.

I wasn't going to go. I had already informed all family members involved with the event that
this 27 week preggo was going to have to bow out gracefully. I just wanted to do EVERYONE a favor,
ya know? Yea you do. But my sister, Nellie, convinced me that it would be "FUN" and proved to me
via Weather.com that it would NOT be the standard 106 degrees for fair week, but a whopping 70
and overcast. Ok. I'm coming. I like a good polar vortex in July.


Our little sister had some horses to show at the county fair, and we didn't want to miss it.
We must love her a lot or something! I mean I don't just put up with HOURS of "are we there
yet?" or "Aunt Birdy is there poop in your belly?" (No, that would be a BABY.)
for anyone.

I know that I was relieved that our parents beat us to the hotel. Between my dad and my
brother, I think all I had to carry in was a stack of pillows and my belly. My kids haven't
stayed in a hotel for a few years, and were kind of worried that we were going to be spending the
night in a "doctor's office." I have no idea. They thought the beds were trampolines too.
Thankfully Uncle Zach and Aunt Abby volunteered for that shift and I watched nervously from the
other side of the room wondering if there was even a real "doctor's office"
out in the middle-of-no-where, Iowa should we break another body part.

I wish someone would have recorded us going out to eat. One kid was dumping out the pepper shaker,
another was screaming because they wanted a cucumber gosh-darn-it, one was poking toothpicks at
people (including strangers), and I'm just like, "NO ONE TOUCH ME UNTIL I FINISH EATING!"
Literally. My own child was weepy because I refused to hold him until I had finished my plate.
He's learning young - the ways of dealing with pregnant women. Handle with care.

And all the while my sister keeps telling her 3 year old, "Eat your pizza if you want
to ride a pony!" Followed by happy shrills and uncontrollable giggling. From the 3 year old.
Not my sister. "Can we get a box, now?! Right now? Anyone?"

We brushed so many crumbs onto the floor, and I forgot to leave a tip.
Good thing they will probably never see us again. Sorry, Pizza Ranch.

It was quite the adventure. One that left its mark all over my van. I'm pretty sure
I vacuumed up a 6 course meal after all was said and done. Last night I was STILL finding
lost toys and DVDs in the deep, dark recesses of that Odyssey.

But we made it! And it really was "fun"!!!

My only tip to other daring souls who like to tackle adventuresome situations:
bring lots of snacks, a solid recording of "Let It Go", and take potty breaks like
it's your job - because ain't nobody got time for an accident. And by "nobody" I'm also including myself.
Pregnancy does things to you. Man. Good times.