Miscarriage

I woke up to Nathan kissing me on the forehead, "Hey, I am leaving for work."
I was so sleepy; had been falling asleep on the couch after dinner every night for two weeks.
"Something is seriously wrong with me?!" I joked.

That morning I grabbed a pregnancy test (because I keep stock - you're welcome Dollar Tree!) and
peed in a cup. Three drops later I walked out of the bathroom and thought, "I can't look at the answer
without Nathan!!!!" So I gently slid the stick into an envelope and set it on our bedroom dresser.

I know I know -- I've had the determination and will power of a two year old refusing nap time for
as long as I can remember. Ha. I did NOT peek. That afternoon I slipped the envelope into my purse
and drove to church where we were meeting as a family for Mass: feast of the Immaculate Conception.

We sang the last hymn and I looked over at Nathan who was shocked to find out that I had actually
brought the pregnancy test to Mass. SURPRISE!!! I opened the envelope and at first didn't see the
second line... and then I looked again, "Oh my gosh, BABE! There are TWO lines!!!"

To which we both immediately questioned the QUALITY of a pregnancy test that had been taken
hours and hours prior to reading the results. We both agreed that it was anti-climatic
and went out for tacos. Lol.

But in the back of my mind I knew it had to be right.
I don't typically crave deli turkey, Lucky Charms, pop tarts and oranges!!!


I waited 3 more days and checked again. Definitely POSITIVE.
Checked the next day too, because I'm a skeptic and was in total HAPPY shock!!!
THREE positive tests. My fourth pregnancy. "I'll call the doctor when I hit eight weeks or soooo..."

We were excited and planning a way to tell our kids and family for Christmas!!!

A week later, somewhere between 4/5 weeks, it began.
I went to bed in peace thinking the spotting was just a fluke. Not a big deal.

But I woke up the next morning, December 16th, and realized it wasn't going to stop.

Shaking, I texted my sister. Not sure what to do. "I feel sick," I whispered over the phone
to Nathan. That day my doctor sent me in to run labs -- but I could feel that something had changed.

Like a light had gone out?

I threw on a hoodie with half blow-dried hair and put the kids in the van. As I was backing out
of the driveway I noticed that my neighbor's parents were parked in front of my house. The mom was
crying in the passenger's seat and dabbing her eyes with tissues as the dad unloaded flowers from
their own daughter's funeral. Another child taken before a parent. Never enough time.
Life passes so quickly.

I cried as a I drove away. My heart hurt for them and for us. I knew.

My labs came back the next day. The numbers were there.
Definitely pregnant. But low. Definitely losing life.

And that's when about twelve different emotions go through your body at the same time,
and you're not really sure which one to latch on to... ?! The lies. Oh the lies.

"You're broken. You failed. You did something wrong.
God doesn't love you. He doesn't want you to be happy. Etc etc etc..."

I thought I had no right to be sad. I know others who have lost "older" babies --
"harder" situations -- "greater" suffering. I have three living, healthy, beautiful children.
I have friends who can't conceive at all. Be tough. Be brave. You're fine. Get over it.

I felt empty, disappointed, sad; in shock really. Then tears. Waves of tears coming and going
as powerful and as quickly as life given and taken away again.

But somewhere in the midst of all of that, God came down and rescued me. And His peace and grace
that surpasses all understanding rushed and filled and changed my heart, and I found the courage
to speak OUT LOUD the truths against those lies....

the truth that God sees us all separately in our suffering and that there is no measure for His
compassion and mercy that He pours out on me or you or anyone else. It just is. It's perfect.
And exactly what each of us needs in the time it is given.

FREEDOM!!!!!! Friends!!!! What darkness was sent to lie and bind me, to hold my heart hostage,
was broken by the fierce and magnificent LIGHT of the truth our God brings. He is the Dawn and
I am standing in that warmth with arms open wide delivering our dear Glory baby....

into eternal life!!!!!
She opens her eyes to meet Jesus.

Forever in our hearts.
You are part of our story, little Glory.
We love you and will see you in paradise!!!!



+++++++++++++++++++++++++

I want to say THANK YOU to all those who have called, sent messages and flowers, or who
have helped with our children. THANK YOU for the real life and virtual hugs. THANK YOU for
loving me and our family and for walking this journey to heaven with us. You know who you are!

It is beautiful. We are blessed. XO.

Present in the Pace

I feel like the best days of my life are fleeting before my eyes.
I'm trying real hard not to blink, but nothing stops the draining of the hours,
the days, weeks... turn into years and before I know it I will be telling all the
young mothers, "Enjoy it while it lasts."

On one hand, I'm like SLOW DOWN, bottle up all the memories, relish every moment,
capture all the scenes -- burn them on the hard drive of my heart, never forget.
And then on the hand, I'm like CAN THIS DAY GO ANY FASTER?!??! When you've got
toddler meltdown city on your hands, a to-do list a mile high, nothing but frozen
pizza for dinner... lunch... and breakfast. The complete parody of parenthood.

Life often feels more like the tango than a waltz.

Moving. Steady. Abruptly changing.
Wild. Intimate. Serious. Exciting. Abruptly changing.
Sippy cups. Tired eyes. Rinse. Wipe. Repeat. Abruptly changing.

Oh wait, that's not the tango, but my liiiiiife!

Last week I walked into my counselor's office; four walls, 100 sq feet of safe space.
God has done some crazy work on me in that place over the past two years.
Letting me yell, cry, laugh it all out.... process all the things.

"What's your pace like?" he challenged.

"Fast, messy, busy. You know, normal?" I self-soothingly shot back.

"At the end of the day, did you taste ANYTHING?" he pressed.

"Sometimes I catch it. Often, it's survive or die mode!"

silence.
MORE SILENCE.

Inner monologue: OMG how does he read my soul?!?!?!?!?!?

"Man. I need to work on being PRESENT in the pace."
Yes. Yes, be present in the pace.

The very next day, for real, I opened the mail box to find a package shipped from Washington.
A gift from a social media kindred spirit -- one with the most beautiful eye for
colors, movement.... you can't make this stuff up!



I burst into tears standing in my kitchen.

Be present in the pace.

I don't think it's just motherhood or parenthood in general - but many of us find ourselves
swimming hard in the big, loud ocean of life; barely tasting our days for fear of drowning in the process.

I know the song is like eight million minutes long, but this part right here >>>

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

It's never going to stop; the waves, the rush.
The pace is set, but I get to decide how present I am in the journey out into the deep.
And that is beautifully consoling. That even when I am up rocking the baby at 2AM
or hustling in my work; when I am cleaning up the kitchen for the thousandth time;
washing, wiping, putting away all the things....

I will have tasted.

Because I have been present in the pace.
Walking on those waves.




artwork c/o the talented Kendra Castillo
check her out on facebook | instagram

The Snake Oils Train

One Year Later from Brittany Vail on Vimeo.

JOIN ME HERE
You probably remember last November (maybe not?) when I posted a video of me and the kids
unboxing our Premium Starter Kit from Young Living?! I was doe-eyed, but skeptical. You could
see it on my face and hear it in my voice, "I don't know about all this, but I'll keep you posted!"
I had no idea just how RADICALLY my life was about to change, you guys. NO IDEA.

I'm not talking about "cut your hair" kind of change. It's different. Deeper. More permanent.
November 2015 is a mile marker in my story. One that is re-writing me in the most beautiful way.

I wanted freedom from emotional trauma and the reoccurring patterns that I had trained myself to
believe were normal, ok, "everyone has stuff like this". I hoped for a difference in my health.
I wanted to be healthy, happy, strong for my husband and children; free from the woes of an
endocrine system gone awry. I wanted peace and to somehow know, no matter what,
that everything would be good in the end.



Bottle after bottle -- using aromatically, topically, internally. I spent the first 30 days with my
kit learning about each of those eleven oils and how they could support me and my family.

And then slowly, but surely things began to change. My thyroid bloodwork looked better than ever.
I was suddenly using oils for "this and that" and seeing COOL THINGS happen in our home!!!
We became THAT family. Lol. Not super crunchy like granola.

But I'd say on a scale of 1-10 we are oatmeal.

I LOVE how God's love letter to us is written all over creation. It makes sense that He would give us
tools to work for and WITH our bodies -- to care for us, to answer every need, to bring us life.
There's goodness in pure, therapeutic grade oils!!!

I feel like essential oils were the last piece of the puzzle for me.
Whole foods, a good chiropractor, supplements,
chemical free home...... essential oils. Amen.

Thank you, Jesus, for answered prayers.
Thank you to all the friends and family who are doing this oily life with me!
Thank you for all the good that is still to come!

Scroll through this past year in photos
for some of my favorite ways I have learned to
use the eleven Premium Starter Kit oils!!!

LAVENDER
LEMON
PEPPERMINT
FRANKINCENSE
DIGIZE
RC
STRESS AWAY
PANAWAY
PURIFICATION
COPAIBA
THIEVES

plus the diffuser and Ningxia Red!!!!


LAVENDER >>> You know in the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, how the dad uses
Windex for EVERYTHING? Yea... lavender is for your EVERYTHING. Calming. Soothing. Great for
skin. Perfect before bedtime. Add into coconut oil or body butter for your skin care routine.
Use when battling seasonal discomfort. We love to add a drop of lavender to bath
water for our kiddos. Good night. Haha. For real.

LEMON >>> Use while cleaning sticky surfaces. Use while cleaning crayon off the wall. MY LIFE.
Add to water for a cleansing boost. Supportive of respiratory health. I also love to use lemon as
a natural flavor for sweet and savory dishes... like chicken and cupcakes. Don't judge. Lol.


PEPPERMINT >>> Hot/Icy feeling. Great to use across head and neck for tension.
Diffuse while working. Supports the intestinal system: use after a big meal, my friend!
This one will WAKE YOU UP! I like to add a couple drops to the shower floor. Creates a steamy vapor
that is invigorating. LOVE diffusing for an afternoon pick-me-up!!!

FRANKINCENSE >>> Frank is my man. No, seriously -- this might be my most hoarded oil from my kit.
It makes me happy. Such great support for emotional health. Is known for helping stimulate that immune
system and keep it firing on all pistons. The #1 oil for skin care. I use it EVERY DAY on ma face!
Research is being done on this powerful oil and its properties for health. Google this one!!!
Trust me.




DIGIZE >>> This one is FUNKY, y'all! But a powerhouse oil. It was actually the LAST oil in my kit
for me to understand and wrap my brain aaaand tastebuds around! HA! Use after a big meal.
Supportive of the digestive system. Think: cleanse and move. Add to water or take in a capsule.
You can also put in a roller bottle and use it externally on your tummy. But then you'll SMELL funky. Lol.

RC >>> We went through two bottles last winter. Yea. Enough said. Unique blend of 3 types of
eucalyptus. Supportive of the respiratory system. Apply to chest or diffuse. When the "yuck" is
coming on, RC is your new BFF. I now feel panicky when my bottle runs low! #lifesaver #lungsaver




STRESS AWAY >>> A favorite oil. A blend of vanilla, lime, copaiba, lavender and cedarwood.
Use to combat every day stresses. It's labeled quite properly: Stress. Away. Haha! LOVE!
I'm AMAZED by how real this stuff is.


PANAWAY >>> Um hello, massage!!! Hot/Icy Feeling. Apply topically after exercise to muscles.
Apply to neck and back while experiencing head tension. I like to pull this baby out when my head
is feeling "meh" or I've just had a long day. It sings to me. And it smells like a wintergreen mint!
I always want to just lick the bottle. But I don't.

PURIFICATION >>> I diffuse this when I want to make you THINK my house is clean! Lol.
Diffuse to freshen air. Major odor killer. I use this one in my natural bug spray!!!
Also great to use on wool balls in your dryer! Fresh, bright scent. It makes me HAPPY.




COPAIBA >>> **Co-pie-ee-ba**.... promotes wellness. Supports the body’s natural response to injury,
irritation and inflammation. Add to a hot tea for a soothing throat drink. Also great for glowing +
soft skin. Love to use on my little one's gums! I've also found this one to be so helpful with
seasonal discomfort.

THIEVES >>> THE MOTHER OIL. AAAAAAAAH! Lol. One of Young Living’s most popular blends!
Great to diffuse during the winter with all the germs floating around. Supports healthy immune function.
We like to roll this on before we start school each morning. Also great for DIY house cleaning products!
Smells like Christmas. Sign me up.






NINGXIA RED >>> Super food juice! A powerhouse antioxidant blend. This stuff gives me wings!!!
Total energy booster for me. "Put good in, get good out" kind of deal!!! LOVE this daily supplement.



There you have it folks!!! My Swiss Army, karate kickin', arsenal of oils!!!
I definitely do not know "all the things", but am open and willing to learn all the time.
Cliche of all cliches, but it is TOTALLY a journey!!!

Two of my favorite resources: GENTLE BABIES + ESSENTIAL OILS POCKET REFERENCE

And of course my support group: The Village Gathering where all the continued learning, sharing,
growing magical unicorn-ness (ha!) takes place!!!!

If you have any questions or would like to chat oils, don't hesitate to reach out!
I'd love to help if I can --- oilwellsociety@gmail.com

Or if you want to jump on board... click here!!!

LOVE YOU ALL!!!
XO

Our Ocean Adventure

Last month we loaded up the van and hit the road! Traveling in a 5X10 foot space with three children
six and under is not for the feint of heart. Sixteen and a half hours later we were all laugh-crying
ourselves out of the sardine can on wheels and kissing the pavement triumphantly....

we arrived in North Carolina!!!

You wanna know the first thing I saw? A COCKROACH as big as my head.
#holdme

The drive actually wasn't bad. We brought so many snacks. Like so many. And an entire SEASON of
Curious George which was promptly ingrained into our brains. We also stopped at Chick-fil-a and
let them drink root beer and run off energy in the germ-infested play place. Parents of the year!!!
Yea. We like to live it up around here!!!

If you're looking for travel tips -- that's my best stuff, you guys. Gold.

Seriously though -- no lie -- my kids are awesome and traveled so well; all things considered!!

Anyway. It was amazing to visit my sister, Nellie, and her little family!!! We stayed at their house
for a few days before we headed to the beach --- where we rented these little houses that made us
next door neighbors for the first time in our lives! It was magical. 300 feet from the ocean. Maybe?!

You could hear the waves. See the view from bed. I would have been ok moving in. Let's just stay.
We would walk over this little boardwalk and BAM: the Atlantic Ocean!!!

Everyone had so much fun playing, eating, beaching, napping together!!!
I love the cousins together! Makes me happy.

Our kids learned to boogie board. Heck, even I learned to boogie board! The ocean actually
ripped my swimsuit off down to my waist and I lost the house key (that was tucked in said swimsuit).
It was epic. Very liberating experience.

I will always remember the LAUGHTER of Bella when she met the waves for the first time.
The JOY on Zay's face when he would catch a ride on his board.
And the ENERGY that is Judah, "Today is a good day to surf, mom." -- with that hair of his!
I can't even. Lol.

We took home suntans as souvenirs.... and buckets full of shells that smell like rotting crabs???!
I make the boys keep them out of the house. Except for the ones we made into merman necklaces....

So radically cool, dude.

Love my people and my sister and her family!!!
Glad we could share an ocean adventure together!!!
Take me baaaaaack!!!

Have Mercy

I just want you all to know that I am perfect. In case there was any confusion. Just open the dictionary to perfection and there won't even be a definition. Just my face.

THAT IS A JOKE.

Ok for real, life has its highs and lows. One minute I feel like a freakin' rock star and the next I am the hottest mess you've ever seen. And when I say "hottest", I am not talking about Miss America status. I'm talking knee deep in crazy town, people.

But if there is one thing I am learning in this season of my life is that GRACE upon GRACE upon GRACE is absolutely required and zero-negotiable. It literally takes an act of the will for me -- to pep talk myself into CHOOSING to have mercy on myself, my husband, my kids, my to-do list, my business, my housework, my homeschool plans. It helps if I imagine Uncle Jesse saying it to me, "Haaave mercy." Then I forget my name, what I was doing....

image credit
...seeeeeee!? Everything is all better. Lol. Just kidding, Nathan.

Last week I thought I had a babysitter for the kids for my annual appointment to the OB-GYN. But no, that fell through and I was hauling three children into the doctor's office like a boss -- tossing out snacks and taking names of any ruffians. AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER, the doc finally comes in and my kids latch onto him: FRESH MEAT.

I immediately throw out a disclaimer,
"Well, everyone WAS being well-behaved.... up until about an hour ago?!"

He says, "It's ok, we will do this quickly so you can be on your way!"

Quickly?

Nothing should be happening "quickly" in regards to this appointment.
If you know what I mean.

All my kids are waiting with the receptionist and I can hear Bella's voice growing in panic...
"Momma? MOMMA! MOOOOOOMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"


I should have just waited until the next time I get pregnant. That's totally a thing right?! Skipping annuals and just waiting for the next kid to check out the whole sha-bang? Sigh. I can't wait to grow up and just know these things.

As I am hauling my crew out of the exam room, the receptionist asks me,
"Should I put you down for a year from now?"

Seriously? #holdme

So we load in the van and head to the grocery store. Because that's the smartest thing to do after spending close to two hours in a gyno's office with three children under the age of six and having your cervix poked at with a "Mom, his Qtips are the biggest ones I have ever seen!"

Flash forward. Halfway down the interstate, with Chicago traffic cruising at an easy 80-90mph -- switching lanes and skipping blinkers like it's their JOB-- I feel the gas pedal pressure change and we start losing speed.

My heart is racing, but the Holy Spirit came down and literally cleared a path for us to crawl across three lanes... and as I barely make it to the curb every light on the front panel goes on and I realize I am BEYOND BELOW EMPTY. Out of gas. How does this happen to me?!

I call my husband who is an easy 90 miles from my location at this point. No answer. I call my dad. He's out of state. Call Nathan again. No answer. John Stamos?! Jk. It's hot outside and the AC doesn't work without gasoline and I am seriously thinking, "We could easily be side swiped in this crazy traffic."

And my kids are like, "SIDESWIPE?!?!?! Like the Transformer?!?!?"

I call a friend who is the nearest to my location. No answer.

Welcome to your new home, kids. The interstate. No joke, they thought it was an amazing adventure and not one of them moaned or complained a peep. I, on the other hand, fought back tears for over an hour.... waiting on my friend's husband (she ended up texting me!!!) to save me.

I tried to pay him. But he told me to read my kids the story of the Good Samaritan as a bedtime story and that he was happy to be able to serve me and Christ today.

WHAT?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?

You guys, we have been blessed with the best of friends.

I'm telling my husband this -- literally shaking my head,
"WHY is God crushing me with so much grace lately?"

My friend and her husband and Jesus.... had mercy and grace for me and I'm literally standing on the side of the road beating myself up.

I got back in my vehicle and made the decision in that moment to take the boxing gloves off. To just receive the moments rather than come at them swinging. Because even when it feels like everything in the world is out to get me -- there is a GOOD, GOOD Father who is standing between all of that for me if I would just open my eyes and take in the grace.

And HE is perfect.


And because I am NOT, this little note now hangs from my rearview mirror.
It's a good question on all levels. Don't you agree?!

Homeschooling My Kids Ruined My Life

I have thought all along that because this is how I grew up, that this is what my family did, that being
a second generation homeschooler would make me happy. It makes sense; it's part of my identity,
my ethos. I am one of twenty-one grandchildren on my mother's side, and all of us were homeschooled.

This is what we do.

We ordered all the books and went through all the motions this year. Counting, rhyming, memorizing,
sounding out words -- starting over -- crying, laughing, reading good stories and drinking warm tea.

We explored the world around us more than the books on our shelves; making notes and coloring in the
details of the magic found in nature, free play and being little. We collected all the treasures to
keep in our pockets, mason jars and hearts.

Instead of the routine I had envisioned, it was raw and unpredictable. I had goals for me and
my children; milestones and achievements I wanted to hang on the wall. Not for accolades of course,
but just for me to know, "Hey, we did that" --

some came easy, some came hard, and some didn't come at all.

There were days I tried to stuff our school into this box of expectations and elaborations;
doing all the things that I thought we must be doing to be a real school --

beating myself up at the dinner table, "He didn't get it. We had to start over. I'm doing something wrong." I'd throw my hands in the air, go to sleep and wake up to start all over again. Is this it?
Is this what I am going to spend the next 25+ years of my life doing? Schooling children in my bathrobe
and messy bun with a barely warm cup of coffee in hand?!!!!

And believe it or not, somewhere in the middle of all that, I think I found myself?

Somewhere between singing math facts for peanut butter cups and snuggling on the couch
to devour Magic Tree House books -- somewhere between wiping finger paints off the walls
and scraping play doh out of my carpet --

I realized that homeschooling my kids had ruined my life in the best way.

It had changed me and made me a better person and mama. Nudging me, sometimes ruffling my feathers,
straight out of my comfort zone and into this new place where I am being transformed...

learning to "let it go" and just plain have more grace on myself and my children --
being ok to forget perfection and just do what's perfect "for us".

It has made me little and curious again. With a thirst to explore, go outside, get messy.
I want to BE IN IT with them -- the world brand new all over again!!!

I didn't see it coming. The gift to be had in the ebb and flow of teaching and learning
with my children. What a gift.