Miscarriage

I woke up to Nathan kissing me on the forehead, "Hey, I am leaving for work."
I was so sleepy; had been falling asleep on the couch after dinner every night for two weeks.
"Something is seriously wrong with me?!" I joked.

That morning I grabbed a pregnancy test (because I keep stock - you're welcome Dollar Tree!) and
peed in a cup. Three drops later I walked out of the bathroom and thought, "I can't look at the answer
without Nathan!!!!" So I gently slid the stick into an envelope and set it on our bedroom dresser.

I know I know -- I've had the determination and will power of a two year old refusing nap time for
as long as I can remember. Ha. I did NOT peek. That afternoon I slipped the envelope into my purse
and drove to church where we were meeting as a family for Mass: feast of the Immaculate Conception.

We sang the last hymn and I looked over at Nathan who was shocked to find out that I had actually
brought the pregnancy test to Mass. SURPRISE!!! I opened the envelope and at first didn't see the
second line... and then I looked again, "Oh my gosh, BABE! There are TWO lines!!!"

To which we both immediately questioned the QUALITY of a pregnancy test that had been taken
hours and hours prior to reading the results. We both agreed that it was anti-climatic
and went out for tacos. Lol.

But in the back of my mind I knew it had to be right.
I don't typically crave deli turkey, Lucky Charms, pop tarts and oranges!!!


I waited 3 more days and checked again. Definitely POSITIVE.
Checked the next day too, because I'm a skeptic and was in total HAPPY shock!!!
THREE positive tests. My fourth pregnancy. "I'll call the doctor when I hit eight weeks or soooo..."

We were excited and planning a way to tell our kids and family for Christmas!!!

A week later, somewhere between 4/5 weeks, it began.
I went to bed in peace thinking the spotting was just a fluke. Not a big deal.

But I woke up the next morning, December 16th, and realized it wasn't going to stop.

Shaking, I texted my sister. Not sure what to do. "I feel sick," I whispered over the phone
to Nathan. That day my doctor sent me in to run labs -- but I could feel that something had changed.

Like a light had gone out?

I threw on a hoodie with half blow-dried hair and put the kids in the van. As I was backing out
of the driveway I noticed that my neighbor's parents were parked in front of my house. The mom was
crying in the passenger's seat and dabbing her eyes with tissues as the dad unloaded flowers from
their own daughter's funeral. Another child taken before a parent. Never enough time.
Life passes so quickly.

I cried as a I drove away. My heart hurt for them and for us. I knew.

My labs came back the next day. The numbers were there.
Definitely pregnant. But low. Definitely losing life.

And that's when about twelve different emotions go through your body at the same time,
and you're not really sure which one to latch on to... ?! The lies. Oh the lies.

"You're broken. You failed. You did something wrong.
God doesn't love you. He doesn't want you to be happy. Etc etc etc..."

I thought I had no right to be sad. I know others who have lost "older" babies --
"harder" situations -- "greater" suffering. I have three living, healthy, beautiful children.
I have friends who can't conceive at all. Be tough. Be brave. You're fine. Get over it.

I felt empty, disappointed, sad; in shock really. Then tears. Waves of tears coming and going
as powerful and as quickly as life given and taken away again.

But somewhere in the midst of all of that, God came down and rescued me. And His peace and grace
that surpasses all understanding rushed and filled and changed my heart, and I found the courage
to speak OUT LOUD the truths against those lies....

the truth that God sees us all separately in our suffering and that there is no measure for His
compassion and mercy that He pours out on me or you or anyone else. It just is. It's perfect.
And exactly what each of us needs in the time it is given.

FREEDOM!!!!!! Friends!!!! What darkness was sent to lie and bind me, to hold my heart hostage,
was broken by the fierce and magnificent LIGHT of the truth our God brings. He is the Dawn and
I am standing in that warmth with arms open wide delivering our dear Glory baby....

into eternal life!!!!!
She opens her eyes to meet Jesus.

Forever in our hearts.
You are part of our story, little Glory.
We love you and will see you in paradise!!!!



+++++++++++++++++++++++++

I want to say THANK YOU to all those who have called, sent messages and flowers, or who
have helped with our children. THANK YOU for the real life and virtual hugs. THANK YOU for
loving me and our family and for walking this journey to heaven with us. You know who you are!

It is beautiful. We are blessed. XO.

You Changed Me

Before there was you, there was hot coffee and uninterrupted lunch dates. There was time to clean the house and put on make-up - do homework, go to work. I could stay up late, sleep til noon, leave without telling anyone - whenever I wanted to. I was basically a rockstar.

And now I speak of the lines, the stretchmarks that are etched deep, hard into my skin that read of a time before we began. I now can run on very little sleep, make it through a day with no solid meals and find a way to bounce, sway, rock back and forth - sitting down, standing up to help you fall asleep. I am able to just look at you and know you're sick, you're tired, you're hungry - calling for me to nurse life into you. Liquid gold, my body now makes that. We're talking superhuman trumps the rockstar.

I've been broken down, made wide, pulled thin all at the same time. I've cracked and bled; processing pain I've never known, riding a depthless ocean of hormones that bind me closer to you through the tears, the laughter, the explosive kind of love I knew when your heart beat next to mine - skin on skin - for the first time.

You changed me.

I gave birth to you, but you also gave birth to me as a mother, and now we are bound up in this lifelong story of growing together. And all that stuff that happened before there was you - before there was us - pales in comparison to the adventure we now know.

I love how God chose me for this; how He chose you for me and me for you. All to draw us deeper into communion with Him, His plan, eternity. We are here to sharpen and refine one another in our domestic church, our mission for sainthood. And somehow that makes the cold coffee and early wake-up calls golden because they have purpose - they drive us deeper into the mystery of life given for life; a holy, maternal sacrifice. And it is all so alluring, addicting - like we are tasting a sliver of the love God pours out for all of His children.

You changed me.
He changed us.
And it is good.

Blanqi Girl || answering FAQ

confession:
I would be lying if I told you that I feel so totally normal and content in my skin from pregnancy to postpartum. I think I'm like most gals out there. At least I hope I'm not alone! We know the incredible privilege and honor of carrying and bearing life, but also feel a little scared at times; unsure of ourselves, stretched, tired, given up for the tiny beautiful people who crown us:

MOMMA.

I do love my body! And it has taken 3 pregnancies to arrive at that level of enthusiasm. All the weird aches and pains, stretch marks, and changes! Ricky Ricardo would say "ay-yi-yi." I kid you not, after Bella was born, I had 3 moles FALL OFF. Strange. But she is my third. Just another walk in the park. Nothing to see here. But I am more in love with the "new me" than I ever was with the "old me" because all the lines (and there are many under my one piece swimming suit) tell the greatest story of my life.
It's a trilogy called: Isaiah, Judah, and Bella.

In the ever-changing climate of motherhood, there has been one constant for me; a company that has delivered the one thing that I honestly feel like I can't do pregnancy or postpartum without: BLANQI.

If I was a tattoo kind of girl, I'd have (( BLANQI )) in ink over my heart.

I've raved about this company, the owners and designers, Valerie and Sabina, before.
And if you know me in real life, you know that I lose no opportunity to share the little
secret behind my maternity and postpartum clothing that is "holding it all together"!!!


// currently wearing this support tank

::: FAQ :::
______________________________________________________

can you wear it postpartum?
YES! I use the maternity underbust support tank postpartum the same way, and with as much frequency,
as I do when I am pregnant. I, unlike some lucky ducks I know, don't bounce back to pre-baby body very
quickly. The tank helps smooth everything out and hold up those pants that don't exactly fit just yet.
The fabric is tight enough that you can literally wear your pants unbuttoned and not worry about
anything showing. Makes me feel more like "me".

can you breastfeed in the tank?
Due to the underbust design, it truly is IDEAL for breastfeeding. The fabric keeps your tummy
and all covered; leaving momma and baby easy access to breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
And the six other meals they need. Ha.

what is your favorite color?
I use the winter white, teal (limited edition) and deepest black. My favorite color is the
black because it works best with the colors in my wardrobe. I would buy the color that you most frequently prefer to wear in a camisole or layering tank top.

does it get stretched out?
I have gained 50-60 pounds with each pregnancy and I can testify that my BLANQI bodystylers
are as good today as they were the day I bought them. If you properly wash and care for your tanks,
you should never have a complaint. And NO - you do not have to dry it to make it shrink back to
preferred tightness/support. It's magical. Like a unicorn.

how does it compare to a belly band?
BLANQI offers ALL OVER support. This is not just about holding up your pants or taking some
pressure off your hips. The unique design literally helps spread out the weight, tension leaving
you in better posture and comfort. During my third trimester, I SLEEP in my BLANQI because it
helps THAT much. Also, unlike a belly band, the bodystyler helps smooth out EVERYTHING --
from your bust to your thighs. Can I get an "amen"?!

can you see it under your clothing?
You cannot see any funny lines. Not bulky. Not awkward looking.

is it worth the money?
Absolutely. You get what you pay for. Quality. Satisfaction. This is like the Cadillac of
bodystylers. Period. My sister and I have shared four different tanks (of various colors and
lengths) back and forth through SIX pregnancies (both gaining 50-60 pounds each time) over the
past 5 years and they are still functioning 100%. There you go.

what size do YOU wear?
I know the charting and all can be confusing. I am 5'7" - ranging from 130-190 pounds (pregnant
to postpartum.) I wear a MEDIUM. Hope that helps!


// SECRET CHECK-OUT CODE
Want to try BLANQI?
Use my personal discount code: B117 at checkout to get 20% OFF your first purchase!!!
Feel free to ask me any questions if you need help! #blanqigirl #forever
XO- B

On Loving My Postpartum Self

No one reeeeally talks about it. The 4th trimester - the ups and downs, laughter and tears,
joy and insanity of it all. One day you are swimming in a sea of warm, squishy, newborn baby bliss
and the next you aren't letting anyone IN or OUT of your house because they are either going to
contract ebola and give it to your infant or lead a serial killer right into your living room.

People have been so kind and ask me how I'm doing and all, but I lean more towards "fine"
rather than dive right on into the fun facts of anxiety, stitches, breast engorgement, and the
whole achy, throbby - "I am falling out of myself" feeling. You following me?! TMI. I know.

Ain't nobody got time for that.

It was just this past Sunday. I had just put on one of my favorite dresses to go to church.
I was totally having a party in my head; celebrating the fact that...

A.) it fits
B.) I don't look so "lumpy" in it after all

An hour later I walked into the bathroom in a completely different outfit and my husband asked,
"Why did you change?" Well, let's see. When I put it on I had just breastfed the baby and
was looking decent in that department. Given time, milk reproduces, and I was totally channeling
Dolly Parton. Not for Church. Not for Jesus. I laughed it off. No big deal - I'd rather breastfeed
my baby than wear my favorite dress. Perspective, right? That's REALLY how I'm doing.

A couple weeks ago our 3 year old totally climbed into our bed in the middle of the night. Nathan
and I were both so exhausted that we just let him stay - unaware really. Long story long --
he peed on my husband, all over our sheets, comforter, feather tick. I woke up to *freaking out*,
lights turned on, and drama in our en suite bathroom. ARE YOU KIIIIIIDDING ME?!

I motioned to Nathan to GET OUT and turn the lights off before, God help me, the
baby that was just wide awake from 2-4AM wakes up AGAIN. I stripped the bed and marched
straight to the living room to tell my husband that this was ALL his fault and that
he could just sleep with said 3 year old - IN THE OTHER ROOM. For real.

Y'all, postpartum Brittany is cray cray. The next morning my husband let me sleep in
til 9AM and the first words out of my mouth were, "I AM SO SORRY. That baby. I was tired."

And then there is my body. I don't keep a scale in my house on purpose. Numbers don't matter.
It's all about FEELING good and being COMFORTABLE in your skin. That being said, I had to
promise myself that I would NOT step on the scale at my CHILD's 2 week check-up.

Yea, I broke that promise and had to pep talk to myself the whole way home. "20 more pounds
to pre-baby weight?! You've got this." And just to make sure that I was thoroughly beaten up,
I went home and tried on all my non-maternity pants. Why why why?!

*bangs head against the wall*

I look down at my stomach and see DARK stretch marks this time - a straight line running down
my abdomen that looks even darker and more foreboding when I bend over. Weird, but I notice these
things... and I am sure MY HUSBAND DOES TOO and probably DOES NOT WANT ME ANYMORE?!?!??!

CUE: explosion of tears when he walks in the door from work. He wants to know what's wrong and
asks, "is this postpartum-ness?" Oh no he didn't. That's the post-baby equivalent of asking,
"are you PMS-ing?" NO. No, it's NOT. Yeeeeeessssss... yes, it is.

For the record, my husband DOES still want me. Phew. So that's good. Seriously though, so
THANKFUL for his covering and affirmation. He sees my post partum body very differently than
I see it - giving grace, love, and understanding - where it TRULY IS DESERVED!


I just had a BABY. A 10 and a half pound baby. I gained 50 pounds to bring such BEAUTY
into our lives. My body was stretched and pushed to the very limits to bring LIFE - a human
being (that still blows my mind!) - a breathing representation of the love my husband and I
share - and it is SO GOOD. So so good.

Despite the postpartum party going on over here, I AM finding it easier to be KIND to myself
this time around, to lower my expectations, and have grace on my brain, body, and those around me.
I'm laughing more and crying less. I am learning to LOVE myself in this season.

The other night I was laying in bed doing some spine stretches and deep breathing when my
husband walked in to give me a foot massage (SPOILED. I know.). I looked at him, feeling completely
humbled, and said, "You've seen my body do CRAZY things - with having babies and all."
(I mean, the guy has seen my intestines. I haven't even seen my intestines!) He laughed and agreed,

"It's pretty amazing actually."

"YEA IT IS! Too bad YOUR body doesn't do anything cool like that!"

*fist pumping mothers everywhere*

Motherhood is wildly beautiful, my friends. It bends and breaks us - strangely building us
up into stronger women. Pregnancy. Postpartum. I'd do it again and again to know this JOY
of loving and raising tiny humans -- the ones so intricately stitched together by the God
Who knew us all before there was time.


I'm going to go put a sweet potato in the oven now. For lunch. 20 pounds, remember?!
But you can bet I'll probably eat a Reese's peanut butter cup while I do it -- because GRACE, right?!
My body has been through a lot. It deserves it.

I Am Not Broken. A Birth Story.

My Bella Jane. Talk about fashionably late. Even at 12 days past her due date, she came slow and
steady into this world. Apparently my uterus is like the Taj Mahal of uteruses - so why leave?
I guess the "all you can eat" milk buffet just doesn't compare.

41 weeks //

All my people from far and wide were sending me every trick in the book to induce labor. God bless 'em!
Check. Check. Check. Did it all. 3 or 4 times over for good measure. Yea about that whole pineapple I ate
- all I got was a couple cankers, thank you very much. My favorite was a message from a friend
reminding me about how "funky town" from Parenthood would totally work. Anybody?!

Totally did NOT work. But again, we did our best. Wink.

I am so thankful that my doctors were willing to let me take this pregnancy to 42 weeks.
Since I have had a C-SECTION, most OB-GYNs in my experience are not too comfortable with such
ideas. But knowing that I have one successful VBAC under my belt (funny, right?!), I was confident
that I could do it again. I just needed time. And time was given.

I wrote a whole post about my "non birth plan" plan, but at 10 days past my due date I looked my doctor
in the eye for the last time before we would meet in the hospital and told him...

"I told you that I have NO plan, but that's a lie.
I am going to VBAC and you are NOT going to cut me open."

To that he said, "That's right!"

Again, thankful for supportive doctors. I felt like they believed in me and were so open
to all the little alternatives that I requested. If anyone in the Chicago-area is looking for
some solid Catholic OB-GYNs - I cannot recommend this practice enough. I love them.

Two days before my scheduled "light induction" (no promise of a VBAC, but at least a trial of
labor), I decided it was time. CASTOR OIL. Yes, I did. My doc actually said to give it a shot -
so I followed my cousin's midwife's directions (because midwives are so cool) and later that night...

contractions woke me up. They were tolerable, but I could not sleep through them.
2-3 minutes apart for hours and hours. I woke my husband and told him I was jumping in the shower,
but encouraged him to keep sleeping because I had been having "fake outs" for many days and was
sure this was just another round of fun.

I then checked in with my doctor, and he asked me if my bags were packed.

But by the time I got to the hospital those beautifully consistent contractions were fading. I was
instructed to "WALK!" Round and round the labor and delivery floor. 3 hours later it was determined
that I was NOT in actual labor. Another fake-out. Technically I could go home.

Since I was 12 days overdue, dilated to 3, with a scheduled "light induction" less than 12
hours away, we decided to stay at the hospital and let the doctor break my water. Once I felt
that initial gush, I got that "HOLY COW THIS IS IT" feeling! In less than 24 hours we are
going to have a baby in our arms!

You would think that a 10 and a 1/2 pound baby would just fly out after the water had been
broken, but no. Hours later I found myself hooked up to my BFF, pitocin. That's a joke.
The BFF part.

Every hour or so they would bump up the dosage and my contractions would become stronger,
more consistent. Once I was dilated to 7 the doctor came in and turned off the pitocin;
thinking that my body would do the rest on its own. 5 minutes - 7 minutes - 10 minutes -
the contractions started drifting off to nothingness.

This was my panic moment. I asked every nurse that came in, "is my body broken?"

I cried. Partly from the pain, but more so from the fear and frustration of my body not responding.
I began to repeat in my head, "I AM NOT BROKEN. I AM NOT BROKEN. I AM NOT BROKEN."

My doctor came back in and said he was sorry, but that they were going to turn the pitocin back on
at the highest level safe for my condition (c-section scar). He asked if I wanted the epidural
first. I said, "NO" - determined to overcome the situation, thinking "I've got this."

10 minutes later, back on pitocin, I paged the nurses 2 times and eventually sent my
husband out in the hall with instructions NOT to come back without the anesthesiologist.

The pain subsided to the level of bearable and I just laid there on the hospital bed.
Feeling defeated. Crushed. Beaten by the woes of induction. My breathing slowed and I held
my husband's hand as the box fan whirred next to me, blowing away the tension and my furrowed brow.

Finally, I could feel the baby descending with that great rush of pressure. It's time. I knew it
was time. 30 minutes of pushing, deep breathing, chanting in my heart, "I AM NOT BROKEN!" ---
and then LIFE. I pulled myself up to see the doctor turning the baby over, hearing the nurse
ask, "is it a boy or girl?!"

GIRL. It's a girl.




Nathan got to cut the umbilical cord right before they rushed her over to clear out her lungs
(meconium). So surreal. Tears filled my eyes and no words came. No words. It was like being a
first-time parent all over again. A daughter?! The awe of it all - felt so different.

Her daddy got to hold her first. In fact, I'm pretty sure Nathan got to hold all of our children
before I did due to complications with each delivery. I guess the universe didn't get the memo that
the I was pregnant for 40+ weeks and probably should have dibs on holding the baby first! HA.

But it was wonderful. Happiest of memories. Nathan handed her to me, and even though I had planned
to breastfeed RIGHT AWAY -- I just stared at her; completely overcome with newborn baby bliss,
drowning in a sea of hormones and emotions. It's one of those SURPRISE OF YOUR LIFE kind of moments. You know?

We prayed for her. We waited for her. We are celebrating her.
Lady Bella Jane, welcome to our family!!! We love you more than you will ever know!

Lady Bella Jane

And just like that - our lives are forever changed.
A DAUGHTER! I'm still processing the crazy beauty of it all.
We are completely in love and spending our days smothering her in kisses.

Thank you for all the kind messages, comments, prayers, gifts and love
you've been sending our way! We are so happy to celebrate this joy with you!!!

I promise a birth story soon, but until then...

bask in this newborn baby bliss with us?!

Confessions + Gluten-Free Apple Crisp

Dear Diary, I am still pregnant. 40 weeks and 2 days. If pregnancy isn't long enough
already?! I know I shouldn't complain. Even today's reading from "Jesus Calling" was eerily
relevant to my life. I felt like God was reaching down from heaven and giving me a little spanking.

That's what's up.

"You have been on a long (true that), uphill (YES!) journey, and your energy is almost spent (almost?!).
Though you have faltered at times (who me?), you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your
desire to stay close to Me (well, good). There is one thing (great), however, that displeases Me:

your tendency to complain." - Jesus Calling 10/9/2014

I literally laughed out loud. The Big Man upstairs is funny and brutally honest!

Anyway. Some of my friends, earlier this week, were all like, "You are so calm and composed!"
And then my spiritual director texted me and said, "You seem so happy on FACEBOOK!"

Whoa. Red light. I swear I am not trying to live a façade, but apparently it is happening?
Of course I'm all smiley and happy - I'm a choleric/sanguine, extrovert that thrives on being with
people and keeping up my life as a party. But you guys, when this overdue momma goes home or is left
alone for any substantial amount of time -- it gets ugly. I am an emotional train wreck that cries
out to Jesus, but then backs off because there are "bigger problems" in the world than being pregnant
forever. Like ebola?! The Middle East?! I'm snapping left and right, teaching my kids cuss words
they should never be exposed to until... never.

I've had a couple other mommas/women mention that I should just be so grateful that I even get
to "carry life" - and I am! But seriously, I AM HUMAN. And humans get tired. Even life
with my toddlers - love them to death - but sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom and just stay
there until I feel better about the day, situation, etc. Again, human. Broken. Selfish. Vain. Whiney.

Fill in the blank. And that's just being honest.

I serioulsy just intended to deliver these pictures from our apple picking adventure a couple
weekends ago + a recipe for gluten-free apple crisp, and look what you got?! I'm sorry, y'all.

Oh and that's the other thing. I can barely swallow veggies right now, but sugar and carbs?
All day, baby. All day. Thus - you get awesome recipes like this one and I gain 50 aaaand counting
pounds!!! You're welcome for being pregnant. But yea - I really love my baby and my kids and my
husband. Just in case anything got lost in translation. I'm good now.





COMMERCIAL BREAK: I had to share this "real life" moment. It was all "cute and fun" until
both brothers decided that they HAD TO HAVE the one and only apple picker. Whose kids are those?!






|| GLUTEN-FREE APPLE CRISP||
PREHEAT oven to 375 degrees //

5-6 cups sliced, peeled apples || toss in 2-4 tbls of sugar (or pure maple syrup)
and place in 2 quart baking dish. Set aside.

MIX TOGETHER in separate bowl //
1 C. rolled oats (I used Chex brand instant gluten-free oatmeal)
1/2 C. packed brown sugar (or pure maple syrup)
1/4 C. Bob's Red Mill all-purpose gluten-free flour
1/4 tsp. nutmeg, ginger, cinnamon

A splash of fresh lemon juice and vanilla is great too!

CUT IN //
1/4 C. grassfed butter (or coconut oil)

Sprinkle oat mixture over sliced apples.
Bake for 30-35 minutes or until fruit is tender and the topping is toasty golden.
Serve with massive amounts of ice-cream and a big cup of coffee!!!

Aaaaaaand bring some over to me. Ok, thanks.

5 Year Anniversary

For our 5th anniversary we were able to steal away - just the two of us!
Uninterrupted conversation, the freedom to be spontaneous, eye contact, holding hands,
sleeping in, great food, beating my husband at chess for the first time, dreaming, sharing,
living life side by side - all such an incredible gift. We feel so very blessed to have these
5 years. Our hearts are full. Thank you, Jesus.

We stayed at the most enchanting bed & breakfast in the city - a small taste of Italy in Chicago!
I cannot say enough good things about Villa D' Citta. The old world charm, the luxurious details,
the 5 star service. Cathy, the hostess, not only greeted us by name, but went out the night
we arrived to buy gluten-free Belgian waffle mix so that I could have the full experience as well!
I don't remember the last time I had a Belgian waffle. I could have kissed her.

If you are coming to the city or looking for a romantic escape - Villa D' Citta.
And I was NOT paid to say that. Just sayin'.