Childrenisms

I do some pretty awesome things when my husband is working all day. *pats self on back*
Recently, I managed to rearrange all of our living room furniture -- which included shoving
a very hefty loveseat down our hallway and into our master bedroom. When he finally got home
to the "surprise", I equated the whole moving the couch into the master bedroom scenario to

"giving birth".

I told him, "You must LOVE it! I birthed that couch for us!" Lol.

Disturbing imagery, I know. But I think it highlights the creative labor I put forth
to make my our interior design dreams come true.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is my children. I did truly birth them.
Do you know the other day while I was shopping at Whole Foods (because this would only happen at
Whole Foods) a very energetic, normal-looking woman chased me down the aisle waving and smiling....

Stranger: "Yoohoo! You have two boys and a girl!
You MUST tell me what you DID to get a girl!"

And I'm thinking, clearly she knows 'what to do'.

But no, this lady wants legitimate tips on conceiving a girl. Like down to vaginal pH
and ovulation theories. And I'm just here for fermented pickles, not a fertility lesson!

This "stranger" was suddenly becoming my new BFF. I mean I don't just talk about mucus patterns
with anyone. Oh my gosh this REALLY happened. But then she just said, "We have the three boys,
and I just don't know if I can do one more pregnancy... and not get a girl!"

To which I consoled her with really not consoling news at all, "Well, I really hope we can
have a few more! They are just awesome -- no matter what!!!"

Her whole face changed. But not in a bad way. She THANKED me.

Stranger now BFF: "It's so relieving to hear you say that! I don't want to feel
alone in this! And I think big families are great!

And I'm just standing there like, "What just happened?!"
I hope you name your child, Brittany Awesome, dear lady. Ha.
#cultureoflife #missionwhereyoustand


But I concur.

Big families are awesome, and I just love doing life with these people God gave me --
they make everything so fun...ny.


Me: "How did you get so good at drawing dinosaurs?"
Judah: "Well, I waited 100 years... and then I could just do it!"
Me: "But you're only 4 years old."
Judah: "Well, ok so 4 years..."
Me: "Gotcha."


Isaiah: "Mom, are you making dinner or eating cookies again?"
Me:

Isaiah: "Mom, how much do pets cost?"
Me: "Well, it depends on what you want to buy. Like a pet fish would cost about $3."
Isaiah: "I was thinking T-REX."
Me: "Buddy, dinosaurs are not alive anymore."
Isaiah: "What! Are you kidding me?"


Me: "How many pieces of candy did you eat?"
Judah: "ONE!"
Me: "Then why are there NINE wrappers in your bedroom?"
Isaiah: "Well, we EACH had one."
Me: "Well, there's only TWO of you!"
Isaiah:
Judah:

Judah: "I love you!"
Me: "YEA?! Why do you love me?"
Judah: "Because you're a good cooker and picker upper. You also know a lot about oils."


Me: "Why do we eat vegetables?"
Judah: "I only eat carrots."
Isaiah: "OOH OOH OH!! So we are not constipated!!!!"
Judah: "That is not right."

Me: "You guys, please be quiet, I am tutoring Anna."
Isaiah: "Toot-er."
Judah: "YEA! Toot!"
Both: "TOOTER ANNA!!!!!"
#minions


Judah: "What can we call this hammer?"
Me: "Knuckle Sandwich?"
Judah: "How about AWESOME? Rock Star? Or Punk?"
Me: "Whaaaaa?"
Judah: "Or sponge."

Bella: *screaming* *throwing things from purse*
Me: "Would you like some water?"
Bella: "NO!"
Me: "Would you like a snack?"
Bella: "NO!"
Me:
Bella: "MONEY!!!!!!!"

Childrenisms

Yesterday the one and only toilet in our house was clogged. I had been working on it
off and on for about an hour when I finally gave up to go make lunch. So I shut the bathroom
door tightly and walked away. Two seconds later I hear said toilet flushing, gushing Niagara Falls
all over the floor, rugs, streaming straight for the hallway. It was as awful as it sounds.

I'm grabbing towels and throwing down like Olivia and her comments on The Bachelor.
Watch out. Judah walks by real casually like he's on vacation or something and is like,
"Hey mom! Why is there CHOCOLATE all over the bathroom?" Chocolate?!
I wish it was CHOCOLATE.

As I shove two cookies in my mouth to help cope with the situation.

People are all like, "THREE is SO hard. FOUR is SO easy." And I'm thinking maybe we should just go
straight for another baby here and end this crazy time! But then I think, "No, this has got to be some
Parents of Four initiation trick." They all sit back as they watch our announcement come up on Facebook, "Suuuuuckers."


I'm not pregnant by the way.

But we would seriously love that though!!! Being outnumbered doesn't scare us.
I mean we're training our people, ya know? Raise 'em up just like Keith Urban says.


Judah: "You're underwear is like Halloween."
Me: "What does that even mean?"
Judah: "It means it is scary."

Nathan: "The faces of the angels glow!"
Isaiah: "Yea, like momma's face when she looks at her cell phone!"

Me: "I just need everyone to be quiet for a minute!"
Isaiah: "What does that even meeeeeean?"


Me: "Judah, don't touch your behind while going to the bathroom."
Judah: "Mom, there is NOT a bee on my back. It's called a BUTT."
Me:

Me: "Do I have a job?"
Judah: "Yea all you do is switch the laundry."
Me: "That's all I do?"
Judah:


Me: "Do know how hold momma is?"
Isaiah: "Uh 100?"

Nathan: "Judah, do you want some veggies for breakfast?"
Judah: "I LOVE CELERY!"
Me: "Seriously? I'll get you some."
Judah: "Wait... I think I meant CEREAL."


After not letting Isaiah buy a pair of panty hose from the second hand store he sighed,
"This is the WORST day of my life."


Solidarity, folks.
Bring it in.
On three,
"GO PARENTS!"



go. parents.

Rookie Parents

Last week our 3 year old had the croup. I wouldn't wish that sort of crazy on my
worst enemy-parent. Ever. I told my mom that I'm pretty sure I could pass military
training without shedding a tear now. I mean it doesn't get more intense than not sleeping,
barely eating because you are feeding everyone else all the freaking time, spending your
free time rotating air purifiers, cool air vaporizers, and wiping down every touchable
surface with soap and water. And THEN going for walks at 3 in the blessed morning in a
brisk 10 degrees... thanking God because the cold air helps.

"Make sure you put a shirt on him before you go outside," I helpfully reminded my husband.
He didn't say anything, but I could feel the "I'm not stupid, woman!" laser beams from his
eyes burning in my direction. My bad. Captain Obvious here, reporting for duty.


But you guys, men and women raise babies differently. I reminded him of the obvious because
he does things like, "two pees" or sometimes even "three pees". Do you know what that means?
Let me tell you. "Two pees" equals two toddlers peeing into a very small oval target in the
bathroom. "Three pees" equals two toddlers and A MAN peeing into a very small oval target
in the bathroom. Hold me.

And the other day? I turned around at Whole Foods to see my little guys eating ice chips
out of the beverage display in the prepared foods department. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Daddy said we can eat them."

Excuse me while I hold the eyeballs that just fell out of my head. I stood in awe as Nathan
argued that there were more germs at the library play center than in the beverage display.
Oh good. Let's make sno-cones.


5 years a parent and I still feel like we are such newbies.

In many ways I find this whole parenthood thing harder to adjust to than getting married.
I mean it was one thing to merge the hearts of two people in love. Quite another to let
those two, different, strongly opinionated, "I can raise babies with my eyes closed"
attitude, people have children together.

I mean we definitely discussed the whole thing before we even walked down the aisle.
We talked about faith, discipline, responsibility, allowance, baby names before a child
was ever even conceived. Totally thought we were the Toyota Sienna swag van couple:
"I'm an awesome parent. True!" Ha. Humility is good for the soul.

One Easter, a few years back, we BOTH made dinner plates for the kids.
We got to the table, turned and saw what the other had already done, and sighed. My uncle,
who has 8 children of his own, saw the whole thing and laughed, "ROOKIE PARENTS."

I probably punched him in the shoulder and told him to shut up, but the truth of the
matter is we NEED it. We need the forgiveness that humor often brings. We need the
"You're doing a great job!" or "Have you tried this?" from the next parent over.

They say, "it takes a village." They tell no lies.

I'd say I'm a fairly confident, perhaps even to a fault, person in general. But with
parenting? I crave the affirmation, opinion, guidance of others who have gone before me.

Because y'all, parenthood is no joke.

Not too long ago I asked my husband what he would do if I was taken hostage. I'm a planner.
It's nice to hash these things out. Just in case. Ha! Without missing a beat, he just said,
"I'd do anything, but give up one of our children for you."


There it is. The truth that every parent knows so well. We love our children, as mom or dad,
in a fiercely passionate, radically beautiful way. Even though on the day-to-day level it
comes out as extraordinarily different. I'm over here building play-doh villages to fire up
the motor skills and stimulate their little minds, and daddy is telling them that they can
have pocket knives when they turn EIGHT.

I'll probably veto all over that.

But who knows. I'll be a little less "rookie" by then.





I cannot encourage you enough to reach out today and share whatever wisdom or grace
you've received in your years of parenting with the next parent over. Let's make it a habit?
This "we're all ok" culture is failing. We need each other, we need community.
We all need to be mothered and fathered again and again -- spiritually and biologically.
Find the nearest rookie parent near you!!! Help save a mother from "two pees". XO

Childrenisms

A few months ago we started "paying" our kids for little odd jobs they volunteered to do
around house. I'm talking 10 cents for picking up the living room - they are like Merry Maids
or something, but WAY cuter and so affordable! Ha. 25 cents for helping Nathan change the piping
under the bathroom sink. You get the picture. Just a way to start teaching them the
concept of working, getting paid, tithing, saving, splurging, etc.

Our oldest is ALL OVER THIS. All day long I have to make up jobs to keep the kid satisfied.
They don't pay me enough. If it's possible, I'd say our 4 year old is a work-aholic and needs to take some PTO for the sake of momma's brain. And then he counts his money at night (he really is naturally
so diligent and I'm proud of him!) and proceeds to spend the next day begging me to let him buy the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure, Leonardo, that he just has to have or he's going to diiiiiiie.

Priorities.

If I had a dollar for every TMNT comment, I would have made at least 50 bucks yesterday.
No joke. His excitement is too adorable to squelch. We actually gifted him that coveted hero in a
half shell today in honor of his 1/2 birthday. He kept scream-chirping with the kind of excitement
that makes you want to be little again.

And then today I told the kids that we need to purge the toys because-- Christmas.
Because-- Grandmas and grandpas can't control themselves.

Me: "Let's pack up some of our older toys that we don't play with anymore and give them
to some kids who don't have any toys this Christmas."

Judah: "Mom mom mom... listen. If we give away our toys to the poor kids then WE won't
have any toys either!"

Wouldn't you love to get inside of their heads? See how they process things?
Because apparently "let's donate a FEW toys" equals "I'll have NOTHING" to my 3 year old.

He spent the better part of this morning wailing at the idea of us donating a Fischer Price
helicopter that he hasn't even SEEN or PLAYED WITH since he was 2. And the brief moment that
he thought I was giving away his blanket?! Mom is the Grinch, and my life is over.

But deep breaths, everybody. The blanket is secure with him in his bed for naptime.
For the record: I would NEVER, unless for a VERY good reason, get rid of that childhood token.
Avoiding that "worst mother of the year" title again this month. Booya.

Formation is hard. I'm pretty sure my stay-at-home-mom-job is way harder than my husband's
"I'm going to lunch sans children with a bunch of work buddies" gig he's got going! *wink*


Judah: "I peed! I peed! I peeeeeed my paaaaaaants!"
Me: "Bud, that's just apple juice."
Judah: **bends over and sniffs his own crotch** -- "that is DEFINITELY pee, mom."



Isaiah: "Can I see my first home?" (my tummy - the womb)
Me: "Um sure."
**Isaiah and Judah begin laughing hysterically.**
Me: "Hey, you have a tummy too!"
Isaiah: "Yea, mine is FLAT."
Me: **oh no he didn't**

Me: "We need to go to Costco."
Isaiah: "Mom, I don't have time for this."


Judah: "Will you fill up my water bottle?
Nathan: "I'll think about it."
Judah: "You'll THINK about it?"
Nathan: "I'll fill it up. Jaaaaay kaaaaay (JK)."
Judah: "JK? L-M-N-O-P?"

Me: "Bella is SO yummy."
Judah: "Like a burger."
Me: "Is momma yummy?"
Judah: "Like a HAM-burger."
Me: "How about Isaiah?"
Judah: "Like a NERD."


Geography is going so well...
Me: "Where do we live?"
Judah: "America. CAPTAIN America. It's the same thing.
Me: "Ooookay. Can you say 'CHICAGO'?"
Isaiah: "Yea yea yea we live in Chicago. Chicago BEARS! It's the same thing."

Me: "What would you like to be when you grow up?"
Isaiah: "A papa." MELT YOUR HEART.
Judah: "A chair."
Me: "No, like a JOB, Judah?"
Judah: "Yea. A CHAIR."
#dreambig

And then there's Bella. She doesn't say much. Yet.

Childrenisms

My wonderful husband keeps telling me every day, "You're doing great! You're an awesome
momma! So proud of you. Thanks for carrying our babies!" And I just look at him and wonder
if I should tell him about the 3,242 times I lost my temper that day or the fact that I had
Jake and the Neverland Pirates babysit the kids while I took a shower, read a magazine,
"liked" all my friends' pictures on Instagram. Naaaah, right?

I am 41 weeks pregnant, but not an excuse. I just want to eat, sleep, and watch T.V. And by
"eat" I mean 3 or 4 Reese's snack cups and a bowl of ice cream. Oh my thighs are loving it and
my sinuses are all like, "Stop being stupid, woman!" Love and war. Love. And. War.

I feel like we're just "surviving" right now, and I'm trying to embrace that. I don't like
to have GRACE on myself. Makes me feel weak. Jesus is all like, "I forgive you!" and
I'm like, "NO DON'T!" Let me suuuuuuuffer. But it is moments like these - moments of
weariness, exhaustion, frustration, anxiety, and "oh hey you've gained 55 pounds in 9 months"
that I need it most... GRACE, MERCY, FORGIVENESS. Heal me, Jesus?

And I mean that with all my heart.

The other day I caught my hand in the van door and let out a whispery "damn it" that
I was sure my kids could not have possibly heard. I climbed in the driver's seat, in a
glorious fluster, and Isaiah pipes up,

"Did you say damn it?"

**deer in headlights**

Me: "Ummmm. Man. Yes, I did.
Judah: "Jeeeeesus doesn't like iiiiiit!"
Me: "I know, buddy. You are right. Momma's sorry."
Isaiah: "No, you need to tell JESUS you are sorry RIGHT NOW!"


So crushing. In the best way.
I think it's safe to say that it's a two-way street around here. My flaws, failings, short-comings
are obviously sharpening my children into little saints, and they are molding me, reminding me about
all the things I so desperately long for and need: GRACE, MERCY, FORGIVENESS...

aaaaaand language filters.

Judah: "Mom, there is a check cereal on the floor."
Me: "You mean a Chex?"
Judah: "No, I mean ONE check not TWO Chex!"

Me: "I'm going to go take a nap, do you want to come with me?"
Isaiah: "You taking a nap because your butt hurts?"
Me: "Um no - because I'm tired."
Isaiah: "Yea because your butt crack hurts!"
Me:


Judah: "Did you just flush the toilet?"
Me: "Yea, why?"
Judah: "That was MY poop. Not YOUR poop. Did you poop?! NO!"

Me: "Judah, please clean up the blocks."
Judah: "But I want to play!"
Me: "Look, it's time to take a bath."
Judah: "Look, you need to change your mind!"

Judah: "Hurry hurry hurry I have to peeeeeeeee!"
Me: "I'm coming to help you! Hang on."
Judah: "If you would have come sooner I wouldn't have peed a little in my pants!"
Me: "So this is my fault?"
Judah: "YES."


Me: "What do you want for breakfast?"
Judah: "Candy."
Me: "No."
Isaiah: "Chocolate."
Me: "No."
Judah: "Ok. A hot dog with French fries - NO BUN!"
Me: "Oatmeal it is."
**RIOTING ENSUES**


Me: "When is the baby coming?"
Isaiah: "In fiiiiiiive minutes!"
Me: "If only."

Childrenisms

Drama drama drama. I don't care who says what - boys are just as dramatic, if not worse,
than girls. I mean seriously, the other day Isaiah skinned his knee ever-so-slightly at the splash pad
and absolutely refused to be consoled or coaxed into playing in the water. FOR AN HOUR.
I texted my husband to tell him about my cheerful afternoon with our 4 year old,

and he responds with: "poor kid."

Poor kid?! Poor momma. This kind of drama could drive a parent to drink.
And I'm not talking about sparkling grape juice from a sippy cup either.

Judah, our almost 3 year old, goes back and forth between using a tiny, baby voice and a
man voice. And when I say "man voice" - think post puberty. It's deep and usually accompanied
with a bloated chest and hands on the hips. I'd love to know his source of inspiration.

Not too long ago he was giving Nathan the fake cry with a heavy side of the "boo boo" lip.
Nathan just shook his head and gave him the "boo boo" lip right back...

Judah: "Is that what we do when people are SAD!?!"
Nathan:
Judah: "NO!!! It's NOT!"

I love these moments in our history of being parents. Nathan and I just looked at each other
knowing that we were both trying our hardest not to burst into hysterical laughter at the
antics of this child. Solidarity, folks. Parenthood is where it's at.


Me: "Guys, don't put the play-doh in your mouth. It has wheat in it."
Judah: "Whaaaaa?! You mean it's not gluten-free?!"

Isaiah: "Mom, we're just drinking the paint water."
Me: "WHAT?! NO! That's disgusting."
Judah: "But we liiiiiiike it!"
Me:

Nathan: "What's up my peeps!?"
Judah: "I am NOT a pee pee."
Nathan: "No, I said PEEPS."
Judah: "Oh. I'm still not a pee."
Nathan: "Buddy. Peeps - like PEOPLE!"
Judah: "Well, I am a boy."


Judah, holding up a puzzle piece, quizzing Isaiah...
"What's this one, buddy?"
Isaiah: "Um. A coxapuss?"
Me: "We need to practice saying OCTOPUS. Right now.

Isaiah: "When you die, will mom be a mermaid?"
Nathan: "No. No, she will be a widow."
Isaiah: "Ooooooh that's right. Not a mermaid?"


Judah: "Is it taco night?"
Me: "No, it's gyro night - we're having lamb."
Judah: "Like, Mary had a wittle wamb?"
Me: "Yea."
Judah: "Like, I'm Jesus' wittle wamb?"
Me: "Oh boy."
Hashtag: how vegetarians are made.


Here's a little conversation I had with my 3 year old niece...
Zoey: "Aunt Birdy, is there poop in your belly?"
Brittany: "No, that would be a baby."

Me: "Guys, we're leaving. I need to swing by Starbucks and get some mint tea."
Isaiah: "And I want a decaf."
Me:
Isaiah: "But I love decaf, mom!"


Judah: "When I grow up and become a monkey..."
Nathan:
Judah: "Yea, I'm going to be a monkey."

Childrenisms

We ask the kids frequently what they think we should name the baby. Mostly because
it makes for great entertainment. The other day there was a little debate over whether the
baby should be named NEYMAR (after Brazil's star soccer player #worldcup2014) or TARZAN.
If I had to choose? Definitely Tarzan.

When I tell them that if it is a GIRL her name is most likely going to be "BELLA" -
I get a roaring round of laughter: "Bella... Bella BUTTON!"
My kids are obsessed with belly buttons.

It's quite embarrassing to be standing in the check-out lane with them.
All those scantily clad women in the magazine kiosk?! Yea. Belly. Buttons.
Usually accompanied with obnoxious snorting and cackling. Please, excuse us.

Recently there was a hardcore argument over the name "SPIDERMAN."
Apparently Isaiah had suggested it first, but Judah would have none of that.

Isaiah: "No, I'm naming the baby SPIDERMAN!"
Judah: "I wike SPIDERMAN. I said it FIRST!"
Isaiah: "My baby is SPIDERMAN!"
Judah: "No, MY baby is SPIDERMAN!"

All I've got to say is that we are seriously considering the name now.
It's obvious that "Spidey" genes run in the family. Might as well pay tribute?

"These are our children: Isaiah, Judah, and Spiderman..."


Judah: "I need to use the bathroom."
Me: "Well, you already pooped in your pants, buddy."
Judah: "Well, I can put it in the toilet."
Me: "Um no. I'm going to change your diaper."
Judah: "Are you kidding me?"

Judah: "I just tooted and it came out of my mouth."
Me: "That would be a burp."
Judah: "No it was a toot. In my mouth.
Me:


Isaiah: "I need more peanut butter."
Me:"Buddy, you got it ALL OVER your pants!"
Judah: "Isaiah, can I lick your pants?"
Isaiah: "Um. Sure."


Pointing to a projector board in CHURCH, of all places...
Judah: "What's that?"
Me: "It's a sheet. So people can read the music."
Judah: "Oooooh a sheep?!"
Me: "No, a SHEEEEEET."
Judah: "Oooooh a SHIIIIIIT!"
Me: *don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh*


I wanted to check and see if Judah could see any angels.
Because they say the "veil is thin" for "pure hearts"...
Me: "Are there any angels in the sky?"
Judah: "Um. Yea."
Me: "Where?"
Judah: "THERE!" (points everywhere)
Me: "Ask him what his name is..."
Judah: "He says 'TACO'"
Me:

Conclusion to spiritual experiment:
Judah cannot see angels.

Me: "Who are your parents?"
Judah: "Mary and Joseph." (as in Jesus' parents)
Me: "If that is what you think, you are veeeery confused."
#flattered

Things You Didn't Say When We Were Dating

True to pregnant lady form, I frantically scoured the shelves at Whole Foods for a box of
pudding that I just had to have. An employee gently asks, "Can I help you?"
Me: "Why yes!" I NEEEEEEED a box of pudding!"
Worker: "My wife was pregnant once, I know how this goes."
Me: "Mmmmm hmmmm... pudding?"
Worker: "I'm sure your husband would drive to Indianapolis to get you what you are craving!"
Me: "I doubt it. This is our third and he's pretty much like: get over it."

First year of marriage? First baby? Sure. But here we are, going on 5 years...
and I'm driving MYSELF to the local El Burrito Loco to eat my weight in tacos!
Mainly because I can't wait for him to get home from work, and partly because
I'm embarrassed by how much my pregnant body can eat!

Often I hear people say, "Marriage changes things." And it usually has such a negative
ring to it. It's true that things change when you get married - to be expected, right?!
Marriage isn't dating and dating isn't marriage - obviously - and each of those seasons
come with their own set of unique blessings and challenges. Oh I believe you should "date your spouse"
and all. Keep the romance, connection, fireworks, "whatever makes you happy" - kindled, alive, and
burning for 50+ years of "I DO"!!! But don't let people fool you into thinking that marriage is going
to "change things" for the worse. Marriage can be the most painfully awesome adventure of your life!!!
It's what you make of it. Make love. Make war. Make babies. Make-out. Make-up. Make peace.

Make marriage work! Here's to the little things that mean the most.



Me: "Don't kiss me with chapstick all over your lips."
Nathan: "It has come to this."

Nathan: "Can I have a drink from your water bottle?"
Me: "Sure, don't put your mouth on it."
Nathan: "Are you kidding?"
Me: "No, you could give me germs."
Nathan: "We swap more germs making-out than sharing water bottles."
Me:
Nathan: "5 years of marriage. 5 years. And now we don't share drinks."

Me: "Remember when you wrote me notes?"
Nathan: "Yea."
Me: "I think the last time was 4 or 5 months ago. I don't like notes anyway."
Nathan: "HA!"
Me: "No, seriously - if you write me a note TOMORROW because I mentioned this...
it will mean nothing. It's got to be YOUR idea or I'll just shred it."
Nathan: "You are something else."

Nathan: "Hey, we're going to watch soccer."
Me: "But I was going to watch Food Network!"
Nathan: "Aw sorry, babe. You can watch Food Network. LATER."

Nathan: "It smells like dog in here."
Me: "Weeeeell, I can assure you there is NO dog in the house."
Nathan: "I think it's the meatloaf."
Me: "I think you need to stop talking right now."

Nathan: "It annoys me that you leave the drain out of the sink all the time!"
Me: "Oh yea? Well, it annoys me that you point the shower head towards the curtain!"
5 years ago I know a compromise could be met. Now we just hold our ground and smirk. Bliss.

Childrenisms

We went back and forth - and then back and forth again - about "paying" our kids
to do jobs. We're rookie parents and probably screwing everything up, but it has been
a fun learning experience! Basically we give our kids a dime - they're learning the
fun lesson of "money doesn't grow on trees" - for every odd job they complete.

10% goes to "Jesus" and the rest is kept in an envelope for Dollar Tree purchases.
They've already bought themselves some sling shots, glow sticks, and these weird
spinning lazer... things. I'm having visions of REAL jobs, with REAL money, and my little
children buying their own cars, clothes, college education...

Wishful thinking? I'll keep you posted. Until then...


Isaiah: "Momma, you are beautiful. Real cute."
Me: "Thanks, buddy! You are so sweet to me!"
Judah: "Only smoothies are cute."
Me: "You don't think I'm cute, Judah!?"
Judah: "I think Zay Zay is adopted."


Me: "If you use the potty I will give you an M&M!"
Judah: "How 'bout you just change my diaper and give me the M&M?"
Me:


Me: "Did you eat all that gum?"
Isaiah: "Um yea."
Me: "Like ten pieces?"
Isaiah: "Mom. YOU eat a lot of gum too!"
Me:"YEA, BUT I NEVER SWALLOW IT!"


Me: "Do you think daddy is so cute?"
Judah: "I think he's a cupcake."

As I was coming out of my OB appointment...
Isaiah: "WOOOO! They popped the baby out!"
Me: "Not yet, buddy."

5 minutes later...

Isaiah: "Did the baby pop out yet?"
Me: "Define pop out."

I get asked similar questions all day on REPEAT. Hurry, baby. Hurry.


Me: "What would like to name the baby?"
Judah: "Bam Bam or Superman."
Isaiah: "Red or Mohawk."
Dear baby, you're lucky Isaiah and Judah will have NO say in your name.


Judah: "I wanna feed da buuurds!"
Me: "Ok, when it stops raining."
Isaiah: "Put the food in the BOOTY feeder, mom."
Me: "BIRD feeder, buddy."
Isaiah: "Booty."

Me: "Judah, do you want to read a book?"
Judah: "I don't like that word."
Me: "What word?"
Judah: "The BOOK word."
Me: "Well, do you want to read?"
Judah: "I want to go to work. My job. I work on computers."
Me: "Can you give me some of your paycheck?!"
Judah: "Yea, probably NO."
#igavebirthtoyou #youoweme

Childrenisms

Last weekend we had some new friends and their little girl over for dinner.
Dinner was promptly followed by entertainment. Provided by my children of course.
They pull out all the stops. Be our guest.

So our friend asked their little girl, "Did you put things in their toilet?"
To which she responded, "No, it was the boys!"

From the dining room table, I see my 3 year old put his arm around our 2 year old -
both proudly beaming and nodding their heads: "Yea, we did it!"

I didn't even want to look. Just assess the damage and let me know. My husband kept sighing,
shaking his head, and saying, "It's a lot." What does that even mean?! A lot of what... Qtips?


We're talking:
Razors, travel-size shampoo and conditioner, pads, tampons, bobby pins, rubber bands,
blush, eye shadow, make-up brushes, a can of mace, a tube of lipstick, hair gel...

A couple flushes later and my husband was REMOVING the toilet to go "fishing."

Items FOUND:


A few days later I asked Isaiah: "Are you ever going to throw stuff in my toilet again?"
Isaiah, dead seriously: "Yes, I am."
Me: "I don't think you understood my question."
Isaiah: "I mean no?"
Maybe we should duct tape them shut, just in case?

Isaiah: "I'm going to marry Judah."
Judah: "Dude, you can't marry me. I'm a boy."
Isaiah: "Well, then I'm going to marry momma."
Judah: "She's already married, buddy."
Isaiah: "Well, if you turn into a girl, I'll marry you."
Judah:


Nathan: "It is good to confess our sins to God."
Isaiah: "Like saying 'damn it' - 'butt' and 'penis'???
Judah: "I'm sorry for saying 'bottom'.
My inner monologue: They totally used this opportunity to say all the "bad" words...
to punish or not to punish?!

Me: "Do you know what a cinnamon roll is?"
Isaiah: "Ummm... ummm... I bet the grocery store has one?"
Me: "Yea, but what is it?"
Isaiah: "I have NO. IDEA."
Me: "It's like a doughnut, but with cinnamon and frosting!"
Isaiah: "And I'm pretty sure I can't eat doughnuts, mom."

Me: "DO NOT lick the water out of your carseat cupholders!"
Judah: "Oh I'm licking it!"
Me (in a sing-song voice): "You're gooooooing to geeet siiiiick."
Judah (mocking sing-song voice): "Nooooo I'm nooooot."


Isaiah: "Mom you are big."
Me: "What does that mean?"
Isaiah: "Like. Um. Yea."
Me: "No really. I can handle it. What do you mean?"
Isaiah: "Liiiiike you're tall?"

Isaiah: "You're driving me nuts, kid."
Judah: "Yea, well I'm driving you nuts."
Isaiah:

Nathan: "You guys can do some jobs around the house to earn some money."
Isaiah: "Like color?"
Nathan: "Like no."

Childrenisms

Judah, please don't do that. Can you say, "Yes, ma'am."???
Judah: Yeeeeeees, ma'ammoth!
They've been watching a lot of Ice Age lately. I let it slide.



Judah: Momma, you. are. HUGE!
ME: JUDAH! That's not very nice.
Isaiah: Momma, you are TINY!
and YOU are my favorite child!



Singing...
Nathan: "I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart... where?!"
"I've got the wonderful power that powered oh Peter
way down in the depths of my heart... where?!"
Isaiah: "I've got the wonderful power way down in my peter."
*insert immature, roaring laughter*

Judah: Jesus has a sword.
Nathan: No, that's a staff.
Judah: He's gonna HIT ME! *crouches in fear*
Nathan: It is for scaring away lions and bears.
Judah: Oh. Not for baby, wittle wambs?
Nathan: You're Jesus' lamb.
Judah: Yea.

Nathan: Judah, do you like green eggs and ham?
Judah: No. I like coffee.
as he proceeds to fake sip his cafe latte from a wooden cylinder block.



ME: Isaiah, look a bus!
Isaiah: What's it do, mom?
ME: It takes kids to school... where they are brainwashed into believing all sorts
of lies that fuel our sick society. That's a joke. Sort of. Mommy is kiiiiidding.
Isaiah: Mom. You, are silly in the coconut.

What would you like to ask Jesus for, Isaiah?
Isaiah: Um. A baby.
A baby?! What would you do with a baby?
Isaiah: I would shake it! And then give it a smoothie. Sound like a plan, mom?
Why God doesn't give children to 3 year olds.



Judah: Mom, I want a crapper.
Let's practice saying, "cracker."
____________________________________

HALLOWEEN is THIS week!
And I'm so excited about the fact that I have TWO kids...
more candy = happy momma

don't miss:

1.) Kid-friendly, Halloween craft department HEADQUARTERS

2.) Next year I'm dressing up like a May Pole

3.) All Hallow's Eve party details

4.) I'm trying to hold off for Thanksgiving, but want to make THIS now

5.) NOTHING to do with Halloween, but my current Instagram crush

+ BONUS + $3 burritos on the 31st


H A P P Y M O N D A Y
from yours truly